TITLE: Reawakening
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
ARCHIVE: Ask, please
RATING: PG-13
POSTED: July 5, 2002
SUMMARY: Dealing with Crichton’s use of the Aurora Chair.
AUTHOR NOTES: I just couldn’t believe that Crichton wasn’t more bothered by actually using the chair on someone. But for some reason it ended up coming out from Aeryn’s perspective. Thanks to Rhea (a.k.a. Apathy) for being a supportive first beta on my first fanfic and keeping me from running in fear, silver for kicking my story where it needed it, and DCookKC for being a self-confessed "nit-picker."
STORY NOTES: This takes place between the last scene on the carrier in Into the Lions Den: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing and the tag scene.
DISCLAIMER: Farscape and its characters, clearly, do not belong to me. Read.
"Fly safe."
That's what he said, the last thing he said before they split up. Then the carrier blew. And now she -- no, they -- couldn't find him.
He hadn't returned to Moya along with the rest of the crew. She had made it back. Even D'Argo, Chiana, Jool and Rygel had made it in that confounding Luxan craft. But not Crichton.
"Frell."
Aeryn shook back her hair, wishing one more time she had thought to bring something from her quarters to tie it back. But there was too much of a chance that she would stay there, running through everything that had happened on the command carrier, trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. Not that she was doing any better avoiding those thoughts here.
"Still no word?" Chiana slid into the seat across the table and started picking over the plate of food cubes in front of Aeryn.
"There are still two arns until we have to starburst. We must be gone before anyone can respond to the command carrier's signals." Aeryn looked directly into Chiana's eyes, refusing to blink, even though she knew Chiana had heard that muttered curse. "Crichton needed to make sure all the wormhole technology was gone before he could leave."
"Yeah..." Chiana cocked her head. "You still expected him back by now, didn't'cha."
Aeryn pushed away from the table. Some movement was necessary, although she was disgusted with herself for letting her emotions show in front of Chiana. As an excuse, she picked up the plate. "I expect nothing until the agreed upon time has elapsed."
"C'mon, Aeryn. This is me. I'm just as worried as you are - "
"There is no need to worry," Aeryn spat out. That's what she'd been telling herself for the last three arns, and she had two more to get through before she could let herself start really thinking about life without John. Again. She took a deep breath. "I am going to see Pilot. Losing Talyn was not easy on Moya."
"Aeryn, don't you dare walk out on -" Chiana rose out of her seat, the anger in her voice overriding the worry in her eyes.
Aeryn left, not wanting to hear the rest of Chiana's argument. As she strode down the hall, she refused to test her comm again. She knew it was working. Hadn't she tested it arns ago? There were plenty more reasons for Crichton to stay silent than to contact her. Or Pilot. Or D'Argo.
She had to think of something else to do, some way to keep her mind occupied. Talk to Pilot -- that was what she told Chiana, so that's what she'd better do.
***
Voices had her slowing as the rounded the corner.
"...think we should wait much longer?"
"We have to, Jool. There's still time before we have to leave, and even then we can't abandon John." Aeryn could just barely see D'Argo pacing back and forth in front of Pilot's console. She eased back farther into the shadows. "Pilot, try him again."
"I have already tried four times in the last arn, D'Argo. Either he cannot hear us, or he has gotten tired of listening."
Pilot could not pace, but the stress in his tone made Aeryn wince. They were all too much on edge, still reeling from the drawn-out confrontation on the command carrier and the final destruction. It was time to break this gathering up at least, even if the cause could not be addressed. She stepped forward, keeping her face blank.
"How is Moya, Pilot? Are we ready to go when Crichton comes on board?"
"Yes, Aeryn. She has gathered...Talyn...and is ready to leave this place." Pilot's relief at her interruption was clear, as was the sorrow felt by the Leviathan over her son's sacrifice.
"Then what is everyone doing here?" She looked at Jool and D'Argo, and then pointedly at the door. "I'm certain there is plenty to do to make sure the rest of us are ready."
Jool latched onto D'Argo's arm and started moving toward the door. Despite his bulk, the Luxan went with her easily after a close look at Aeryn's face. At least that much was holding true to form. D'Argo would probably try to catch her as soon as she left, but Aeryn had no intention of being cornered by him until after Crichton returned.
She turned back to Pilot, placing a hand on the console as she leaned forward to look directly into his eyes. The worry she hadn't let the others see was now in her face.
"There's no sign of the module? No signal?"
"Moya and I have tried every frequency, every direction." Pilot sighed. "It has been difficult filtering out the Peacekeeper signals."
Aeryn listened to the DRDs humming away around them. Were they overlooking something obvious? She focused on Pilot again.
"Have any of the signals repeated?"
"There were many distress signals...but not for some time. Most of the ships gathered together and moved off." Pilot turned his head. "Wait. Moya says there is one small craft, floating a little way off. It has not moved closer to us or to the other ships, and it's too far away to tell if it is the module...do you think it could be him?"
"If his comm is disabled..." She put both hands on the console. From her time on Talyn she thought she knew the answer, but she had to ask. "Pilot, can you send a signal to that ship, direct it so that none of the other Peacekeeper ships can pick it up?
"I...I should be able to." His eyes unfocused again momentarily. "Yes, that is possible. But what if it is not Commander Crichton? We cannot give away our presence now. It may attract enough attention that we would have to leave without him."
Aeryn caught one of the arms waving around in his agitation. "Pilot, we have to try something. There must be a message we can send that only he could understand, would know how to respond to."
Yes, there had to be something. But what? What would that stubborn, half-crazed human be able to... "Harvey!"
"Who?"
"Harvey. The neural clone. Ask if Harvey is still here. Crichton's the only one who would understand. For once we'll get something out of that frelling chip." She pushed back from the console. "Send it. Send it now, Pilot."
"Message sent, Aeryn." The excitement was loud in his voice, and the DRDs were beeping madly.
Aeryn held herself still. She strained, listening as if she could hear the message beam across the space between the leviathan and the small craft that could hold him. The man she had not let herself admit was so important to her until the carrier had started breaking to pieces around them. Why, she thought, had she kept pushing him away? No, don't forget. There were reasons, good ones. No matter that they were the same man; it was so hard to think of them as one person. She had been so close to the one, and this John *was* the same person, but...not.
"...Aeryn!"
She spun. Pilot was almost yelling her name.
"What?"
"There is a response!"
"What...what is it?"
"Still here, and driving me nuts."
Her breath caught in her throat. Not a sob. She was not going to cry, she told herself sternly. But her eyes stung as she told Pilot to lock in on the signal and bring the ship into the docking bay.
***
Aeryn skidded to a stop at the door to the bay. "Hurry, hurry," she muttered, tapping the heel of her hand against the panel and willing it to turn. "What is taking so frelling long?"
The light clicked to green, and she hit the release, squeezing through the moment the opening was large enough. The cockpit swung open as she climbed up the ladder, unable to wait for the first glance, the first smile, a grin already stretching her face.
John wasn't smiling.
His jumpsuit was dirty and torn in spots, and when he released the helmet she could see his hair was matted to his head. He was in far worse condition than she would have expected, but that was not what worried her. The lack of the expected victorious grin did.
Aeryn felt the edge of the cockpit dig into her palms, and only that grip kept her upright as he vaulted out and slid to the floor.
"John?" She slid down next to him and grabbed his arm. "What happened?"
All of the tension holding him up, holding his arm stiff in her grasp, fled, all at once. Suddenly she was holding him up herself. She eased him down to sit on one of the boxes stacked by the door.
"Pilot!" He hadn't said there was anything wrong with the module, she thought. What happened?
She sat next to Crichton and turned him toward her. His continued silence, the blank stare, unnerved her.
"John, what is it?"
He did nothing but sit there, rubbing his hand up and down his right arm.
"Aeryn, is everything all right?"
A hoarse whisper stopped her answer. "Don't."
She stared at Crichton.
"Don't. Don't say anything," he said it louder the second time as she shook her head in confusion.
"Aeryn?"
"It's..." The plea in his eyes made her pause. "It is all right, Pilot. I was just excited." John closed his eyes in relief. "Tell the others John is back, but that he's going to his quarters to...change. We'll meet them in your den in an arn."
"Very well. Welcome back, Commander. It's good to see you again."
"Thanks, Pilot." John's voice sounded stronger, but he still held onto Aeryn's hand as they went into the corridor and headed for his quarters. She held her tongue, willing to wait until they reached a more private place to talk.
But he's going to explain, if I have to shake it out of him.
As the door slid shut behind them, he released her hand and sat heavily on the bunk, head down. He made no movement, either to send her away or ask her to stay, and she stood for a moment, unsure of how to start. This was supposed to be his job. She had no experience with this. Not with the Peacekeepers, and not with this John. But did that really matter now? What would she have done if the other John had been so clearly upset by something?
She took a step toward the bunk. When her hand on his shoulder didn't make him tense up again, she sat down next to him.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
He leaned his head back against the wall, keeping his eyes closed. Before she could decide whether to ask again, he started speaking.
"When we separated, I went back to the lab. The computers had to be wiped. Had to make sure Scorpy and the PKs could never recover." He looked down to check her reaction. When she just watched him, he went on.
"The computers were toast. Gone. Kaput. Sparks flying, wires hanging out. Then Co-Kura opened his big mouth."
Aeryn realized what he was going to say. "You had to do something. Surely you don't blame yourself for -"
"I didn't. He's alive and kicking."
"You let him go?" Now she was going to shake him. "He could find the other Peacekeepers. Or he could be found by the Scarrans!"
"He wasn't going to tattle on us, Aeryn." For a moment, exasperation filled Crichton's voice. Then he shook his head.
"He was in it for the science. He just wanted to make it work." John cleared his throat and went on. "Scorpius was just the schmuck who would fund his research. And I...convinced him how fast the universe would go to hell in a handbasket if anyone actually got their hands on wormholes."
"And you think he's going to keep that promise? What if Grayza captures him?"
"The wicked witch of the west wasn't who he was worried about. It was Scorpius."
"He was worried?" The rest sank in. "Scorpius?"
John nodded.
"Scorpius! You let him go too?"
"What should I have done? All his research was gone, and he knew it. And Grayza's not going to let him chase around in circles after wormholes anymore. Besides, the Peacekeepers' plans to make friendly with the Scarrans has Scorpy too worried to waste time tracking me down."
"But..."
"Yeah, 'but.' That was Co-Kura's answer too."
"What do you mean?"
"He knew that if Scorpius decides to pick up the hunt again, he'd be a better target than me. And Scorpy's got ways to pick your brain. We both knew that. So, he said to..." John closed his eyes again, but this time he lowered his head to his hands and his whole body slumped forward.
"To what?" She was not going to yell. He was talking, keep him going.
"To use the Aurora Chair."
She just stared at him. Almost everything they had gone through the past two cycles all circled back to the time John had spent in that frelling chair. No one -- except maybe Stark -- could understand what John had experienced in and because of that chair. What must it have done to him to be *asked* to use it on someone else?
"I assume you did as he asked."
John nodded.
"Well." She should be doing something else, comforting him somehow. Could she overcome the distance she had placed between them? Did she want to? Because it was easier, she held herself back. "Do you want to tell the others?"
"No. No, no. I'll be fine. Just wasn't much else to think about sitting out there waiting for the dust to clear." That small crooked smile finally appeared. "And Harvey was gettin' on my nerves." But she could feel him pulling back too. "You'd better go, if I'm actually going to change and get up there."
She nodded and rose. At the door, she turned back. "John?"
"Yeah?"
"Welcome back."
"Yeah."
***
The others had already gathered when she entered Pilot's den, and Chiana pounced as soon as Aeryn came through the door.
"Why didn't you tell us the microt he got back?"
"Have you been bothering Pilot?"
"Bother? I don't bother. Have I been bothering you, Pilot?"
"Chiana has been patiently waiting for you to arrive, Aeryn." Aeryn almost smiled at the satisfaction in Pilot's voice and the look on Chiana's face. Chiana had clearly tried to wheedle information out of him, and had been just as clearly rebuffed.
"Well, I was going to tell you, but Crichton wanted to clean himself up a little before anything else. After everything on the command carrier, I felt he earned that."
"Humph."
The others stood around Pilot's console, showing various levels of impatience. D'Argo was hiding it better than Chiana, but he moved purposefully toward Aeryn.
"He is all right, isn't he, Aeryn?"
"Yeah, Big D, I'm back. Live and in person. How'd y'all keep busy while I was out?"
Crichton was immediately surrounded. Chiana's giggles, hugs and kisses were constantly interrupted by D'Argo's thumps on Crichton's back. Jool was bouncing up and down, while Rygel slid his chair into a position where he could avoid the blatant emotionalism, but still get a word in whenever he could.
Aeryn stood back, watching it all. She understood each reaction, but could not actually express any of them. She just stood. *I should have said something before, done something*, she thought. At least he was smiling. But over the past cycles he'd gotten good at smiling on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Except when the cracks appeared.
Crichton moved to talk to Pilot, with D'Argo excitedly describing the harrowing escape from the carrier using the remote control on his ship. Chiana came over to Aeryn's side.
"Sorry for...giving you a hard time earlier." Chiana was still smiling, a reaction Aeryn wished she could share. But she forced a smile now.
"It's fine. We were all on edge."
"Yeah. You sure you're OK?"
Aeryn stiffened, her head whipped around, and she found herself facing a funny little smirk. "What are you imagining now, Chiana?"
"You can't be all that calm, not after the way you were acting while he was still missing."
"Acting?"
"You were on edge, just like the rest of us. And whatever you were doing the last arn didn't take off any of that edge."
"I made sure Crichton got to his quarters and then went back to my own." She'd already decided to keep as close to the truth as possible. They didn't need to know everything. But Aeryn didn't dare look at John.
"If you say so."
Chiana gave her another smirk, and went to hang on Crichton's arm again. After a quick look at Aeryn, he turned that smile on Chiana and put her into a headlock, laughing as she tried to fight her way out.
"Hey, Pip. You stay out of trouble while I was gone?"
"Of course. I wasn't going around blowing things up like some people."
It was good to hear him laugh, Aeryn thought. She felt his eyes on her as she walked out the door, but told herself she didn't care.
***
Her knuckles stung, but Aeryn continued to pound at the bag. The blows echoed in the empty room, and the sweat dripped down her back despite the tie she had bound her hair up with. They'd made it through three solar days, settling back into their "normal" patterns without any sign from the others that they had noticed anything different in Crichton's attitude. But there were plenty of questioning looks coming her way.
What else could she have done? Pat him on the head and tell him everything was fine? We won, let's -- what was the phrase the other John used -- "make love?" As much as she thought they both would get something out of recreating, the problems it might bring along with the pleasure would be too much to handle right now - if not for her, for him. No matter how smooth the face he presented to the others, she had seen how deep those cracks went.
The pain ran all the way up her arm as her fist connected solidly with the bag one more time.
"Hey, could you use a sparring partner?"
She hadn't expected Crichton to come down here, not now. When would she learn to stop expecting anything with him?
"Do you think you're ready for a match?"
"Sure. 'Fraid I'll take you down?" That cocky tilt of his head reassured her somewhat. But still, this was the first time they'd been alone since he came back
"No. I haven't taught you everything."
He grinned. "I've still got surprises in my bag of tricks, too, Officer Sun. Let the games begin!" He leaped onto the practice mat, arms up, fists clenched, and started dancing around her in a mock fight before adopting a more serious attitude.
She dropped back into a standard defensive stance, hoping he was distracted enough not to notice. She took his first strike on her right forearm and swung up with her left, but didn't follow through all the way, and he was able to block. They disengaged, with him circling again. She tried to calculate how quickly she could end this without making it obvious, and found herself having to jump to avoid the sweep of his leg.
"Pay attention, Officer Sun. Can't have the champ going down in the first round."
She started circling with him, watching the gleam in his eyes closely. Was he trying to get hurt? She hadn't considered that possibility.
She made the next move, swinging around for a backhand blow intended to distract from the kick that would come. But he didn't go for the feint. Instead he grabbed her wrist and pulled her off balance enough that the kick never landed and she had to use her leg just to stay upright.
"Sloppy. You'll have to do better than that, Officer Sun."
Confused, Aeryn fell back into defense. When he made his next move, she saw it coming the entire way. She had a moment to decide whether to take the blow or turn it, and then instinct took over and they ended up on the mat with her knee on his chest and his hands pinned by hers.
"What are you doing?"
"What's it look like?" Even flat on his back, he could still give that cocky grin. "Gettin' in a little exercise after a long and stressful day."
"No. What are you doing?"
The grin disappeared and he stared up at her, his eyes giving nothing away. Then they closed, and he turned his head to the side. His hands remained open under hers, so she eased her knee up and to the side so that she was straddling him. But she kept his wrists against the mat, just in case.
"John, what is going on? Did something else happen?"
"'Something else'?" She supposed the sound he made was intended to be a laugh.
"If there's something that we can do to help, you know all you have to do is let us know."
"'We.' 'Us.' I always wondered 'bout the Peacekeepers and the Borg."
She wasn't even going to try to figure that one out. "Fine. What can I do?"
"You can get off me. I surrender."
She looked closely at his face, and then rolled off to lie beside him. As she lay there staring at the ceiling, he let out a deep sigh.
"I can't stop thinking about it. I'm talking to D'Argo. Sitting in my quarters. Trying to decide which food cube looks less unappetizing. And wham! Pops me between the eyes." He rolled over onto his elbow and looked down at her. "I know I did the right thing, but..."
She continued to study the ceiling. A part of her was grateful he had come to her with this problem, trusted her, despite everything she had done, to help him find the answer. But a larger part was terrified to even be having this conversation.
Her lack of response must have put him off, because he snorted and started to roll back and get to his feet. Her hand on his arm stopped him.
"John, it was the right thing do to. But that doesn't make it any better that you were the one to do it."
He just stared straight ahead.
"Yes, you already know that," she sighed. "But it's important that you remember the first part of that." She waited until his eyes came back to hers. "It was the right...thing...to do," she repeated slowly.
"So how come I feel so shitty?" He flopped onto his back again, throwing both arms out to the sides. "He asked me to do it. You, me, the Easter bunny knows it was the 'right thing to do.' But it's still wrong! He'll never remember any of the joy, the excitement. Only the pain of that damn chair!"
This time Aeryn came up on her elbow and looked down at him with a frown on her face.
"How do you know it caused Co-Kura pain? The wormhole knowledge was not something you had to force out of his mind. He wanted it gone. What makes you sure that would be painful for him?"
Crichton's hands shot up so suddenly she gasped. He yanked her down onto the mat and rolled her under him before she could make any other sound, much less a motion to stop him. And then she was too shocked to try anything.
He glared down at her, all of his anger and frustration clear on his face, in the way he held himself, and in his tight grip on her wrists. His next words emerged in a rush between gritted teeth.
"Think. Think of something painful. That you'd be happier not remembering. Shouldn't be too hard." He ignored her wince and rolled on. "Imagine that thing. Think how many other pieces of your life are attached to it. So even when it's gone, you know it's gone. You feel it gone. And that...that hurts."
She could think of nothing to say to that. She had never realized that fear was there, mixed in with all of the confusion and horror that Scorpius had inflicted upon him. And as much as she ached with the absence of that other John, she knew this one was right when he said not remembering that ache or all the things that led up to it would simply be another kind of pain.
And now the most painful reminder was staring at her, waiting for a response with increasing impatience. She could easily force him off of her -- a well-placed knee would be the most expedient answer -- but that would not help this man who too often took on everyone's pain.
She tried to free one hand, and when he let go, she raised it to cup his cheek. He tried to pull back, the surprise in his eyes another painful blow to her. But she kept her hand there.
"Aeryn?"
"I understand, John."
He still held himself away from her. His brows came together as he tried to figure out what she meant to do. So she lifted her own head until their noses, and then their cheeks brushed, and touched her lips to his.
It was the briefest touch -- not hardly enough to get her heart pounding like this, she thought. His swift exhalation made her pause, but when he didn't pull any further back she moved her head to his again. More pressure this time, bringing their lips together firmly. She could feel him vibrate under her hand and drew back to look at him.
"What..." his voice caught. "What do you understand?"
Looking up at him, Aeryn suddenly paused. *No*. She shook her head. Then she pushed on his shoulder until he rolled back and she quickly sat up. And looked down at him.
"I understand you. That you feel...'shitty'...because you are you. That I could never fully understand. And that this can't happen."
She heard his frustrated "Aeryn..." But even as he reached for her, she pushed herself up and walked quickly out of the room. Again. This time when she didn't look back she admitted, at least to herself, that it wasn't because she didn't care.
##
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