TITLE: Pieces
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
ARCHIVE: Ask, please
SUMMARY: Knowing he had to say "yes."
RATING: PG-13
POSTED: Dec. 5, 2002
AUTHOR NOTES: This tends to AU, because I can't quite get a handle on the laka. Big, big thanks to Fialka and Maayan for keeping me in line on this one. And to Rhea for giving it a last look and making sure I fixed the stupid things.
STORY NOTES: Spoilers up through A Prefect Murder.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I'm just abusing them. Read.
Aeryn walked carefully away from Command. She was still regaining her bearings after being gone from Moya for so long, but unfamiliar twists and turns held her back less than her own thoughts.
What she'd just overheard made no sense at all. But D'Argo could have had no idea that she had been standing just outside the door when he was yelling at Chiana. Telling her not to bother Crichton about Arnessk. Telling her that it was over and that she shouldn't bring it up again.
But what was "it?"
What had they kept from her? She could go back, tell D'Argo she'd overheard. Ask if there was some threat she needed to know about. She was still a member of this crew. If there was more to the encounter with the Peacekeepers on that planet, D'Argo should have told her. She needed to know, to prepare...
Aeryn stopped, annoyed with herself. She shouldn't expect to know everything that had happened while she was gone. Time hadn't stood still, for any of them. But the others had deliberately kept this from her. Why? Frowning, Aeryn continued down the corridor.
***
Chiana had tried that "think before you act" thing that Crichton was always telling her she needed to practice. She really had. But it wasn't as satisfying as just doing.
She peered around the door of Command and glared at Crichton and Sikozu, hunched over the table, doing who knew what. That little wall-walker was always watching him so closely and then going off to have her chats with Scorpius. Why didn't Crichton seem worried about that? Well, she'd keep an eye on her, no matter how useful Sikozu might sometimes be.
Crichton looked like he was going to be busy for a while. Good.
Chiana slid back down the corridor. Wrinkles was always brewing something in the kitchen, which kept her out of the way. But no way did she want to be stopped by D'Argo or Rygel. So, she'd stick to the shadows and find Aeryn.
She was sick of doing nothing. Sick of wandering from planet to planet, no one really talking to anyone else. Bored. Gotta do something.
Almost an arn later, she was ready to give up and ask Pilot. Moya never seemed this frelling big before. She'd have remembered. Then she heard the rhythmic grunting, and smirked. Where else would Aeryn be?
Chiana stepped into the practice room to see Aeryn, with her back to the door, doing one of her exercises. She had put herself through this routine more than once every solar day since she'd come back. Should've checked here first, Chiana thought, and leaned against the door to wait until Aeryn's arms came down to her sides and her shoulders relaxed.
"Hey."
Aeryn turned slowly. "Chiana."
Okay, found her. What now? Chiana shifted her weight from one foot to the other. When Aeryn raised one brow and waited, Chiana said the first thing that came into her head.
"You've, you've been keeping busy. Getting back in shape."
"Yes." Aeryn moved over to the side to pick up a towel. Hooking it behind her neck, she turned back. "Chiana...can I ask you something? About that planet where Grayza found you?"
Chiana froze, confused. She was coming to tell Aeryn about Arnessk. Aeryn wasn't supposed to be asking about it. Determined to recover, she nodded. "Sure. What's up?"
A strange half smile crossed Aeryn's face. "Exactly. What is up? What's going on?"
"What d'ya mean?"
"What happened with Grayza on Arnessk?"
Chiana's mouth dropped open. How...? She snapped it shut. Say something, say anything. "G-Grayza caught us, playing around with those Interions...but D'Argo and Rygel came up with a way to get us out, right under her nose." Chiana's voice grew stronger as she warmed to the story. "Now she's madder than ever."
Aeryn nodded once, and crossed her arms. "That's a load of dren."
"What? No it's not! That's what-"
"Oh, I'm sure that happened, but that wasn't all that happened, was it? Something happened to Crichton on Arnessk. What?"
If Aeryn already knew that much, what could it hurt to fill in the blanks? At ease for the first time since she'd entered the room, Chiana settled into a comfortable spot on the mat. "Sit down."
"Why?"
"It's complicated. And you'll want to be sitting down. Believe me."
Aeryn lowered herself with a glare. "Alright, I'm sitting. Spill it."
"Y'know how I told you Crichton had been all along on that Leviathan for so long? That's got to do things to a guy. Especially after you'd left him like that." Aeryn's lips tightened, but she didn't interrupt. "Well, Grayza...Crichton and Grayza...got pretty close on that planet."
"Close?"
"Things got pretty hot there for a while. From what Sikozu said, they got...even hotter later."
"Hot?" Aeryn spat out the word, and Chiana nodded.
"He was with her a lot while we were there. Didn't seem happy, but he wasn't exactly fighting to get away either."
Aeryn shoved to her feet and stalked around the room. When she spun, Chiana flinched at the expression on Aeryn's face.
"You. You will tell me everything." Aeryn dropped back down, crossed her arms. "Now."
***
"C'mon, guys. You can do it, I know you can. So don't give me that."
The DRDs just sat there. One of them buzzed. John sighed. Great. Who would've guessed that DRDs were prima donnas and would refuse to sing in a group? They had no problem doing anything else together. 1812 sat off to one side, blinking. John narrowed his eyes. Was that laughter?
He snorted, leaned back against the bunk and rolled his head from side to side to work out the kinks. Circles. They were just going in circles. Not county fair centrifuge-ride circles, thank God. Even with all the crap he'd eaten out here, the memory of just how much cotton candy and pulled pork don't mix remained a vivid nightmare. But still...he was getting dizzy.
At the sound of a boot scraping against the floor he froze, his head cocked toward the wall. Slowly, he turned toward the door.
Aeryn.
She held herself in the doorway, her face in shadow so he couldn't see her expression. Keeping his own face blank he turned his gaze back down to the DRDs. It was safer than looking at her. The silence made him itch when she didn't move or speak. What was she waiting for? Him? She was the one who came here, he didn't have anything to say. He'd spilled his guts to her often enough before.
A tingle in his foot caught his attention. Well, crap. The inefficient human circulatory system strikes again. As the prickles started their way up his leg, he sighed, breaking the silence, and pushed himself up to sit on the bunk. Keeping his eyes down, he watched his foot twist around as he tried to get the blood going again.
"Look, the show's been called off for today, the talent's not cooperating. So unless you've got something-"
"I...I just..."
He turned to look at her with a frown. Aeryn unable to form a sentence? How interesting. When their eyes connected, she pulled herself straight, drew her shoulders back and put her chin up. There was a stance he hadn't seen in a while. He almost smiled.
Finally, she spoke. "We were wondering where all the DRDs went."
"Seriously?" He couldn't hide his shock. Looking at her closely now he still couldn't read anything from her face or posture, so he shrugged. "Just trying something out. You can have 'em back now." Looking down again, he jerked his chin toward the door. "Go on. Git. You've got work to do."
Aeryn moved to the side as the DRDs beeped and squeaked their way down the corridor. They sure looked happy to escape. He'd have to have a talk with 1812. All too aware Aeryn still hadn't left, he looked up at her again.
"Something else?"
She blinked, shook her head and turned on her heel. He watched her walk down the corridor after the DRDs. Closing his eyes, he prayed for his muscles to relax.
***
Frell. That couldn't have gone any worse if I tried. Aeryn frowned. Maybe she shouldn't have gone to see John...see Crichton...so soon after hearing that story from Chiana, but she had wanted to see him. She had needed to see him, see if she could see a difference, see if Grayza had left a mark.
She wanted to touch him. Not that that urge had ever really gone away, she admitted. But the pull had been stronger when she was standing there, watching him with the DRDs, seeing him free from the tension that usually filled his every movement. The tension that had snapped back the moment he'd noticed her. She had been the one to step back by leaving Moya. But now that she had returned, and he was staying back, she couldn't stand the distance. She missed the contact. The connection.
Aeryn looked around to find herself back in her quarters, pacing back and forth. She halted mid-stride and sat down firmly on her bunk, hands on her knees.
What had she expected? She frowned at the wall. She hadn't noticed anything different since her return before Chiana told her. At least not anything more different than any of Crichton's other actions. But now she had to wonder how much of that difference was because of her -- what had been said and not said since her return, what she had assumed was the cause of his withdrawal -- and how much was because of what he and Grayza had done.
The picture Chiana had drawn for her leapt into Aeryn's head. Crichton grabbing Grayza. Kissing her. Hard. Lying back, letting her touch him, caress him...
Aeryn could feel the air around her pressing down, closing in. She tried to swallow, found she couldn't past the tightness in her throat, and blinked away tears.
What was wrong with her? He was free and welcome to do whatever with whomever. After that last goodbye, she had no claim on him. They had agreed to let whatever happened happen. She'd had plenty of happenings. This was one of his.
Why? Why would he do that? Why hadn't someone told her before? Why hadn't he told her?
They were just getting to a point where they were comfortable again, where they could work together, side by side. They were still testing their ground. And now I don't know what to say to him.
She couldn't get past this, this - no, it wasn't entirely disgust. Although, if she hadn't heard it from Chiana...
She'd seen jealousy in others often enough after more than three arns with this crew. But she could count on one hand the number of times she had experienced it herself. And it wasn't exactly comfortable to acknowledge that it seemed fated to always be an emotion forced on her by Crichton.
Aeryn bent her head and drew a full, shuddering breath. She couldn't let him know that she knew. Not when she wasn't ready to admit to herself that it mattered.
***
The itch at the back of his neck had John searching the shadows everywhere he went on Moya. The other night he'd even checked under his bunk before getting in. He hadn't done that since he was six.
Scorpius was under constant watch, even if they were letting him roam free. Harvey was gone, leaving an empty space that was slowly filling in. Why did he feel that someone was always just out of his line of sight?
Sitting in his quarters going over his latest wormhole failure -- the damn things appeared just fine, but they disappeared pretty well too -- he heard a noise. Turning to pick up his other notebook, he glanced toward the door and saw a flash of white.
Ah-hah.
What in the world was Chiana doing? She'd been complaining more than normal about the lack of excitement, even though he'd tried to explain to her that, right now, no excitement was a good thing. And he had to give her some slack since he still couldn't come up with something for those visions.
But this lurking thing wasn't funny.
He turned back to the equations, but the niggling annoyance wouldn't go away. Why was she sneaking around? Like he didn't have enough things lurking in his head. He didn't need Chi messing with him too.
Next time he caught her at it, he would get some answers.
***
What in hezmana was wrong with those two?
Aeryn was avoiding Crichton to the point of avoiding Command. And Crichton? He didn't even seem to notice. Four solar days, and Chiana would swear she hadn't seen them exchange more than two sentences. You'd think they hadn't even seen each other since she'd told Aeryn about Grayza.
Nah, she thought, watching Crichton saunter by her hiding place on Moya's hamman side. No way Aeryn hadn't gone right over and yelled at him. She'd practically stomped out of the practice room, that stony, Peacekeeper look on her face.
So how come Crichton was walking down the corridor, whistling, like nothing had ever happened?
Hugging the shadows, Chiana followed. Should she catch up with him? She looked ahead and cursed. Only a microt, but he had already disappeared around the corner. Chiana hurried forward, crouched next to the wall and craned her head around the bend. Empty. Where could he go?
She shrieked when Crichton appeared behind her and pulled her to her feet.
"What're you doing, Chiana? Following me around. Watching me everywhere I go. This a new game?" There was something more than curiosity in his voice, but his hand wasn't tight.
"N-no. Just, just out for a walk, Crichton." She shoved against him. "Lemme go."
He stepped back, but kept his eyes on her face "Nobody just goes 'out for a walk' on Moya, Pip. Where're you headed?"
She looked into his eyes, trying to gauge what he wanted to hear. When he just raised his brows, she tried a smirk. "Okay, sure. I was following you. Nothing else to do around here."
He kept his eyes on hers for one more long moment. She struggled not to squirm, determined to wait him out.
Hands on his hips, he continued to stare at her. He'd gotten good at this silent treatment. Less than a cycle ago he'd have been trying to talk it out of her. The silence, she had to admit, was a lot more effective.
"What?" Chiana frowned. Why'd she sound so defensive?
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"Why...are you following me? Why not bother D'Argo? Or keep an eye on Sikozu?"
She was doing that too. But watching him and Aeryn promised more entertainment. Or at least she'd thought it would. They weren't cooperating. But she couldn't tell him that. Another quick glance at his face made her pause. Or maybe she could. Sneaking around wasn't getting her anywhere.
Even though he had never really looked, she shoved her shoulders back and leaned forward. Nope, not even a flicker downward. Well, it'd been worth a try.
"I was trying to figure it out. What she said to you."
"Sikozu? About what?"
He looked so confused, she laughed. "No. Aeryn."
His eyebrows went up once more. "Gotta ask again. About what?"
"Grayza. She asked me about what had happened on Arnessk. I thought she should know about..."
Chiana trailed off as his eyes widened and he backed up. She stepped forward, concerned about the panic she saw on his face. She'd expected annoyance, but not panic. She stopped short when he held up a hand.
"What...exactly...did you tell her about me and...Grayza?"
"Aeryn knew, she already knew something." She couldn't help but wince at the defensiveness back in her voice. "I thought she deserved to know that you two had -"
With a muffled sound, Crichton flung himself away and stumbled down the corridor. Shaken, Chiana slumped against the wall.
What happened? Okay, he had said he didn't want to talk about it. And D'Argo had practically commanded her not to bother him. But why would he go all kinked just finding out that Aeryn knew?
She rocked back and forth.
***
John could feel himself spinning out of control. Flashes of Grayza's eyes -- burning, drawing him in no matter how hard he fought, how fast he thought he was backing away -- intercut with Aeryn's blank face, Aeryn's shocked face, Aeryn's angry face. The familiar tight twist of sensation in his gut. Lust. Craving. Guilt. A damn uncomfortable combination when he already felt lower than dirt. "It's the end of the world as we know it..." played in his head, skipping like a broken record before the line could complete itself.
He most definitely did not feel fine.
His shoulder ran into the wall, and he realized the spinning wasn't just in his head. He threw out an arm to steady himself, but he couldn't shove the panic away.
Pieces. His life was in carefully, deliberately separated pieces that allowed him to cruise along. And now, thanks to Chiana, those pieces were coming together. He wasn't ready.
John rubbed a hand over his face, then froze when another memory kicked in. Aeryn, in his quarters the other day. He'd known something was off. Asking about DRDs. Like she cared. But at the time it had been such a relief to have her gone - it was harder to keep the pieces separate when she was around - that he hadn't dared try to figure out why.
Oh, God. Did she know then? Did she look at me and see...
His vision wavered, and in a rush he blew out the air backed up in his lungs. The next inhalation burned. He crouched and lowered his head between his knees. Can't throw up. That'd just top it all, if someone came across him kneeling in his own puke. With his luck, it'd be Aeryn.
Hold on a sec. Where was Aeryn?
She'd been missing since that moment in his quarters. And it wasn't just because he was hiding from her. Not that that was what he was doing. Because that would be silly. But if she was avoiding him, she wasn't going to bring it up.
His whole body relaxed. That worked. He sure wasn't going to say anything either. His laugh sounded strained to his own ears as he pushed himself upright. Right. The ostrich method had never worked before, but there was a first time for everything.
After a few more deep breaths, John started up to Command. Keep it cool, and no-one will notice. They hadn't noticed yet.
Then he stopped dead. Chiana. Could he count on her to cooperate? He took one step, then turned back, not prepared to face her again. Not yet. But he couldn't have her rushing off to talk to Aeryn either. He hesitated.
How had Aeryn found out, anyway? D had said that they all knew he'd been with Grayza - and there certainly couldn't be any question later. But only D'Argo and Sputnik knew about the heppel oil. And none of them knew anything specific about the things he'd done because of that damned oil. They *couldn't* know anything specific. He hadn't said anything about it, hadn't told them that he didn't want them to tell Aeryn. In fact, he'd done everything he could not to think of it at all, to keep those flashes from intruding.
So how much had Chiana told her? What had Chiana told her?
He could hear his breathing echoing in the corridor. Dammit. This had to stop.
"John?"
Oh man, just what I don't need right now. John turned, fighting to keep his face blank. "Hey, Scorp. What've you been up to?"
"Is everything alright, John?"
"Yeah. You don't have to hover, mother hen. This chick can protect itself."
Scorpius inclined his head, leather rustling, and fell into step as John continued toward Command. "I wanted to inquire about meals. Is it still necessary that I take them in my cell?"
"What, you got a hankerin' for some company? The DRDs aren't doing it for you anymore?" A sideways glance at Scorpius' frown showed that he'd scored a hit and John smiled to himself. Wasn't often he was able to get under Scorpy's skin.
"I was under the impression it was no longer required that I stay isolated from the rest of the crew." Hearing those last three little words, John couldn't give a shit about the impatience he heard eating at the edges of Scorpius' voice. "Surely by now -"
John swung around, cutting Scorpius off. His hand closed around Winona, although she wasn't coming out to play, not yet.
"Look. Just because we've accepted we're not keeping you in that cell doesn't mean we're the bestest of friends now." He was snarling, and by God, it felt good. "There is no 'rest of the crew' when you're not part of the crew. You're a passenger. Freight. Along for the ride. For now."
A sneer crossed Scorpius' face, such a natural expression, but he said nothing.
After another moment John turned and walked on, leaving Scorpius behind. Once safely around the corner John shook his head. Satisfying as that had been, the half-breed was the least of his problems right now.
***
Aeryn hadn't thought Rygel could ever do anything to annoy her as much as he had in the past, but the little Hynerian seemed determined to prove her wrong.
"What do you mean he told you not to stop at the next planet you found, Pilot?" she demanded as she stalked down the corridor toward Rygel's quarters.
"He said he had spoken with Ka D'Argo, they agreed that we have all the supplies we currently need, and so we have no need to stop."
Aeryn muttered an acknowledgement, unable to contradict that statement. Pilot sounded apologetic, as if he realized she had other plans. And this was hardly his fault. But he couldn't know that those plans simply involved getting off this ship, getting a moment to herself where she didn't need to worry about running into...him.
v
Annoyed at herself now, she moved on. She was still determined to have a word with Rygel. D'Argo, well, this captain thing was working out as well as it could, and D'Argo wasn't taking advantage of it. Rygel though, he'd find a way to twist anything to his benefit.
She rounded the corner, moving quickly, and almost tripped. Looking down, she saw Chiana huddled against the wall.
The curse Aeryn wanted to spit out caught in her throat as she caught a glimpse of Chiana's face. The Nebari looked on the edge of tears. Apologize and leave. But she couldn't. With a sigh, Aeryn squatted down.
"What happened?"
"Nothing." Chiana braced herself against the wall, trying to rise. Aeryn held her down with a hand on her shoulder and, without trying to fight it, Chiana slumped down once more. "It's nothing."
"That would be more convincing if you didn't look like someone died, Chiana." Another unsettling thought. "No one did, did they?"
That prompted a short watery laugh, and Aeryn relaxed a little. Okay, it was something she could handle.
Probably.
She stroked Chiana's hair back. "It can't be that bad. Tell me."
Chiana looked away and Aeryn frowned. When Chiana's hands shot out to grab Aeryn's shoulders, they both almost overbalanced.
"I can't, he..." Aeryn just stared as Chiana struggled to get out the words.
"Chiana? What are you talking about?" Aeryn put out a hand to steady them both, and Chiana drew in a shuddering breath.
"Oh, I've really frelled up."
The look of absolute despair had Aeryn shifting, unwilling to be sucked into whatever Chiana had gotten herself into this time. But...Chiana had been there for her. She winced, and settled in. "Just take it slowly, tell me what happened."
"He looked so angry."
"Who?"
"Crichton. Stupid frellnik. What was I thinking?"
His name caused a little hitch, but Aeryn drove forward. "Why is Crichton a stupid frellnik?"
"Not him. Me. I was bored. Why did I tell you?" Chiana hissed the question as she moved to get up again.
Oh, no, I don't think so. Aeryn held her down once more, then grabbed Chiana's chin and forced her eyes up. "Chiana, just say it. What did you do? What did he do?"
Another deep breath. "I said I'd told you he'd, he'd had sex with Grayza." She shivered. "He looked so angry, so hurt. How could that hurt him?"
Aeryn stayed silent. She had no answers. When Chiana told her about Crichton's stumbling departure, Aeryn looked up quickly, almost expecting to see him. But Chiana shook her head.
"He's not coming back. You didn't see his face, the look on his -"
"Chiana!" The Nebari's words were almost tripping over each other as she worked herself up again. "You just need to stop and think."
"But he just didn't talk about it at all. I couldn't understand why he -"
Chiana choked when Aeryn gave her a shake. She didn't want to hear any more. While she silently cursed Chiana's curiosity, Aeryn knew that this wasn't what Chiana had expected.
There were so many things she hadn't told the others. Would never tell them, even if she could. What would she do if someone told them for her?
"Look. I'll go find him. I'll talk to him." Why had she said that? She'd rather blast her own hand. At the look of gratitude from Chiana, Aeryn shook her head, pushed herself to her feet and rubbed her hands against her thighs.
She had no idea what she was going to say when she found Crichton, but she was committed now.
No more avoiding.
***
D'Argo stood at the back of Command, ready and willing to knock some heads together. Because they were at it again. Aeryn came in, John hurried out. They'd been doing this for almost a weeken. In the beginning it had been fascinating. Now it was just strange, and everyone had noticed.
Almost everyone. What was up with Chiana?
Determined to get some answers, D'Argo reached out and grabbed John's arm, halting the Human's latest escape.
"Hey there." John swung around. "What's up, big guy?"
"What's going on around here?"
John gave a half shrug, and D'Argo frowned and moved closer, forcing the other man to look up. "Don't give me that. Why are you avoiding Aeryn? I thought it was still the other way around."
Confusion replaced frustration when, instead of flaring up, John seemed to pull into himself. D'Argo reached out, laid a hand on his friend's shoulder. "John. This can't continue. There's no place to go. Why don't you just talk to her? I'm sure we can find someone to help figure out what to do for her pregnancy."
John blinked, and started laughing. Shocked, D'Argo stood back until John started choking. D'Argo pounded him solidly on the back and the laughter sputtered off.
"Th-thanks, D. Needed that." A smile was still on John's face as he leaned against the wall, shaking his head, muttering about a comedy of mistakes.
D'Argo huffed out a breath. "Glad I could help. Needed what?"
"We're all going in so many different directions it's a wonder Moya isn't being torn apart from inside."
D'Argo rolled his eyes. Why, why did John always have to make this so complicated? "Make sense. Quickly."
"The pregnancy. Hadn't even thought of that. How messed up is that?" D'Argo growled, and John sighed. "Baby, no baby, my baby, whatever. That's not why I've been...keeping out of Aeryn's way."
"What else is there? Are you still mad that she won't tell you - " A quick headshake from the Human. "John, spit it out."
"Aeryn's not the problem. That'd be me. Me and..." John paused, closed his eyes. He drew a deep breath, opened them again. And immediately stiffened.
D'Argo turned, not at all surprised to see Aeryn behind him. Caught between the two of them, feeling the tension filling the corridor, he made a quick decision.
"Right. Well, since I know you two have things to talk about, I'll just..." He couldn't think of anything, any reason to leave. "...see you later."
He walked swiftly away. A warrior knew better than most when to keep a safe distance.
***
Dammit. John glared after D'Argo, but the anger wouldn't stick. Fear snaked through him. Fear of pain. You'd think he'd be used to it by now. Especially from Aeryn. Who was looking at him much too carefully.
"Crichton. John." There was a movement at the corner of his eye, and he just managed not to move back when her hand came up. She paused, sighed, and let her hand fall back to her side. His breath caught in his throat at her next words. "John, we have to talk."
He forced a smile. "That doesn't sound good. What'd I do this time? Leave the top off the milk?"
She didn't smile back, and his own faded away. Well, he knew it wasn't going to be that easy.
"John, Chiana told me. She told me about Grayza." It hurt more than he expected, hearing it flat out like that. "And she told me that she told you that she'd...told me."
No way to dodge now, no way to escape. If he turned his head, he could just see Fate laughing her head off in the corner. Prettier than Harvey...
Aeryn's hand on his cheek came as a shock, as did the sharp pain when, jerking back, his head cracked against the wall.
"Dammit!" He put his own hand up to check the sore spot.
"Are you -" She actually looked worried. Well, she should. That was gonna leave a mark.
"Yeah. Fine." No blood, for once. Though if he'd been bleeding, he could've used it as an excuse to get the hell out of there. Can't have it both ways. Idiot.
"Considering how often you've been hit in the head, I'm amazed you could even feel that."
He slanted a look at her. Was she joking? Was she trying to tell a joke? Now? But he had to smile. Leave it to them to break the ice by almost breaking his head.
"You wanna talk about it? Okay. You talk."
"You're not going to say anything?"
Only Aeryn could look that calm and sound that pissed at the same time.
"If I've got something to say, I'll say it." Still no way to tell just how much she knew, and he needed to know. But he couldn't ask.
Aeryn opened her mouth. Closed it again. Made a frustrated little noise, her "stubborn human" noise. He'd missed that noise. Bracing himself against the surge of emotion, he waited.
"Why did you -" she stopped, shook her head. "I don't blame you for...finding someone else. But why...why her?"
His brain seized. He could actually hear it grind to a halt. What the hell had Chiana told her? How could she think he would choose what had happened?
"Say something!" Aeryn snarled.
John blinked. What? He didn't know what to say to himself.
He couldn't blame the heppel oil entirely. Oh, he'd asked Sikozu at one point what she knew about how the oil worked. And little miss know-it-all hadn't been too happy about admitting she didn't know much about this. But she did know enough to tell him there was no way he could have resisted Grayza. Not without the laka.
That had helped calm some of the sick feelings inside, but it didn't get rid of them entirely. They still emerged at random moments, sneak attacks that kept him on edge for days afterwards. And it didn't even begin to tackle the bigger problem.
It hadn't been his choice. The first time. After that? After that first time, what did you call it?
He'd run through every word he could think of. Scientific terms and theories didn't help. Neither did any of those 60-cent words he'd memorized for the SATs that were still taking up room in his brain. Nothing made the picture any prettier. So, he'd stopped trying to whitewash it. He'd tried to make it part of the scenery that went zipping by in a blur. As long as he kept moving.
Tap, tap-tap, tap-tap.
John focused in on Aeryn's foot. Aeryn's impatient foot. He looked up, past her crossed arms and into very annoyed eyes. How long had he been zoning?
"You have nothing to say? Nothing at all?"
He shook his head, stalling. How could he make her understand what really happened? Did he even want to? He didn't want to take the chance that she would pull him to a stop.
Before he could speak, Aeryn moved forward. Already backed up hard against the wall, tired of her attitude, he glared. But she leaned in, getting right up in his face.
"Why would you choose her, of all people? Were you that angry at me for leaving?"
"No. It wasn't that. It wasn't a choice."
"Crichton, that's not enough."
The impatience in her voice grated. He didn't have to tell her anything. She wasn't answering any of his questions. Hadn't since she'd burst back into his life, all smiles and secrets. He was damn well entitled to a couple of secrets of his own.
"Why should I tell you more than that?" He curled his lip, deliberately using his "Peacekeeper Captain" expression. And he could tell that she recognized it from her glare.
"Because I need to know!"
Her shout snapped his hold. Moving along was no longer important.
"Oh, that's a good one. You need to know. You really want to know? You want a play-by-play of the action?" He was so close now that he could smell the new scent of her hair, feel the tug inside. In defense, he pushed on. "You want to hear what it felt like? What I was thinking?"
"John." She reached out again, but he batted her hand away.
"You want to hear what it feels like to have every bit of control taken away 'cause of Grayza's special little surprise? Every nerve screaming for something that you. Don't. Want?"
He could hear himself yelling. Maybe they could all hear him. Come, watch the human crack up one more time. He saw the stricken look in Aeryn's eyes, but he pushed forward with each word until she was the one backed against the opposite wall. No point in applying the brakes now.
"And that's not the worst part. Oh, no. You wanna know what is? Take a guess, go on!"
Aeryn shook her head once, jaw clenched.
He slapped his hands up on either side of her head. "Being told -- no, asked -- to do it again." He leaned in so he could whisper this last key bit to her, just to her. "And knowing you had to say 'yes.'"
Silence. Complete silence. Suddenly drained, he backed off.
"Nothing to say to that? No more questions?"
She stared at him, eyes filling. Way to go, Johnny. Next up on the program, kicking small dogs.
To hell with this. It would take a year and a couple of comfy couches to get through all their problems at this point. A shouting match in a hallway might feel good for a bit, but it couldn't help him keep the images away. Disgusted with himself, with all of them, John turned away.
"Wait."
The choked word stopped him, but he couldn't make himself face her again.
"I - I didn't know. I'm sorry."
John looked over his shoulder, saw Aeryn standing there, arms wrapped tightly around her middle. Maybe, but that and a quarter won't get me enough raslak to wipe these memories away.
He shook his head.
"Yeah."
##
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