TITLE: Once Upon a Moose
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
RATING: PG-13
POSTED: Nov. 14, 2004
NOTES: Written as part of a series of snippets. For FBF, Cofax and Jen, who were looking for Stargate, version Mooshee, and "Ben and Jerry's ice cream (flavor of your choice), Teal'c and the baby animals, Jack and Daniel." According to Sal, it's metafic of the apocamooshee story. This moose has caused me no end of troubles.
DISCLAIMER: Read
"So, once upon a time--"
"Once upon a-- What the hell are you doing, Daniel?"
"I'm telling a story. You said you wanted one, so I'm telling one. I can stop."
"No. No stopping. But...you're telling a 'once upon a time' story."
"That is the timeframe for most of the stories I know."
"Just figured you'd know exact dates."
"I'm telling a story, Jack, not giving a briefing. The point, this time, is to keep you awake."
"Okay, okay..."
"May I continue now?"
"By all means."
"So. Back at a date that I'm not going to tell you--"
"Funny."
"Thanks. There were two men stuck in a mountain."
"Stuck?"
"Unable to leave."
"So, not, like, embedded or anything."
"Not yet."
"Gotcha. ... If I know where this story's going, do I get a prize?"
"I'll let you have some of my ice cream."
"I already had some, thank you."
"Yes. Somehow I think you're after more than that spoonful you snuck."
"I can't believe you grabbed the last Cherry Garcia."
"I got there first."
"No, I did. But it's a little hard to grab ice cream when securing a room, now, isn't it?"
"We're the only ones left on the base, Jack."
"You notice how every time we make one of those assumptions, someone -- usually me -- ends up getting shot?"
"With a zat."
"Still hurts."
"Your arm still tingling?
"Nah. 'S fine."
"... Okay, then. One day, a moose appeared."
"Appeared?"
"You know, you're an awful storytelling audience, Jack."
"May I remind you, Daniel, I've been up for 27 hours and we still don't have the first damn clue where the rest of the SGC went. And yeah, I'm a little cranky because I didn't get my ice cream."
"Fine. Have it. Enjoy."
"Thank you. Very kind. Anyway, I'm just saying, 'appeared.'"
"Yes, poof, pop, whatever. One moment, no moose; the next moment, moose. Okay?"
"So...like the Nox."
"Sure, like the Nox."
"But not a Nox."
"... I don't think the Nox are moose, Jack."
"Pretty funny-looking ones if they are, but no, like a pet moose."
"I don't know."
"Okay."
"O-- Give me back my ice cream."
"I don't think so. Go grab one of the mint...cookie thingy ones."
"Never mind, it's too cold for ice cream."
"... You okay?"
"Yeah."
"... So. Now that I've got this moose, what do I do with it?"
"Right. Well, the moose showed up the first time, reportedly, because he followed the two men home."
"Wait a second, I thought you said he appeared."
"He did."
"Coming through the gate isn't appearing."
"He only came through the gate the one time, and yes, it is appearing, since one doesn't normally get a moose rematerializing in the gateroom."
"Not normally, no."
"Anyway, he took one look around and disappeared back to wherever he'd come from."
"Smart moose."
"But then, he kept coming back. Popping in just to say 'hi,' things like that."
"Why?"
"Because he liked driving certain people crazy."
"Think I like this moose."
"... But after a while he stopped coming alone and started bringing friends."
"More moose?"
"No, strays, I think. Some fuzzy baby animals that he thought looked cute, or something."
"Okaaay."
"Hey, this isn't a moose who's going to abandon people."
"They're not people, they're baby animals."
"Cute baby animals."
"Uh-huh. And what did these two men do with the cute little guys?"
"Well, they played with them for a while, probably, because who can resist cute things--"
"Oh, I don't know. Not all that hard with practice."
"Anyway...after a while, one of their friends decided to adopt the cute baby animals."
"Huh. Women."
"Uh, no, it was the warrior friend."
"Oh, really?"
"He's a big softie."
"I'll be sure to tell Tanith that the next time we run into him."
"Hush."
"And don't think I'm not going to share this little opinion with Teal'c. When we find him."
"Go ahead. And I'll just make sure to tell him that you told me about--"
"Whoa, there. Yeah. Okay. Story, keep going with the story."
"Oh, that's it."
"That's it? 'The end'? Done? There?"
"It's all I've got, anyway."
"So the moose wasn't really there because he liked the guys, but because he's an adoption agent, who was scoping out a new family for his little buddies."
"Well, I don't know that I'd put it like that..."
"I feel used."
"Oh, no. I'm sure he actually really liked the two men. You wouldn't leave anyone with people you didn't like, after all."
"I can't believe I'm sitting on the floor in the kitchen, under a mountain, cut off from all contact with any other human being except for the guy who just made me feel like I've been snubbed by a disappearing-reappearing moose."
"But you're still awake. And you got your ice cream."
"Yeah. There's that."
**
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