TITLE: Offer Me Alternatives (a.k.a., Apocamooshee)
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
RATING: R (because the world is ending)
POSTED: Dec. 5, 2004
NOTES: All sorts of blame to go around on this one, but suffice it to say that Salieri's mooshee and Cofax's apocalypses have taken over my sanity. No spoilers. None. Promise.
DISCLAIMER: Read. The moose sprang out of Sal's brain, the world (should the characters that I'm appropriating actually get around to saving it) belongs to MGM and some other folks that aren't me.

---

Carter was holding the phone a good half-foot away from her ear, staring at it. There wasn't any noise coming from it any more.

Everyone else raised their eyebrows. Jack noticed and forced another expression onto his face. A frown worked, because one or two was okay, but when all three of them did that, it just looked weird.

Carter cleared her throat. "We need to go to the general's office." She finally took her eyes off the phone, blinking as she placed it carefully back in its resting place. "Now."

"Do I get an explanation?" Jack asked

"He yelled." Carter shook her head, favoring the right side a little like she was trying to clear her hearing. "There wasn't much in the way of explanation involved, sir."

"He does know that you're trying to--"

"Ever seen Hammond yell, Daniel?" Jack interrupted.

"Um..."

"I have," Teal'c said. "Once."

"Yeah. In what? Five years?" Jack motioned toward the door for Carter to go first, then put his hand on Daniel's shoulder and steered him out. "Let's go."

**

"Close the door, colonel."

Hammond wasn't yelling. Jack still followed the order promptly, because he wasn't sure if that was a good sign. The man did "quietly about to boil over" pretty well, too.

Silence. Fidgeting. It was about to turn into a really uncomfortable staring session, so Jack cleared his throat.

"You called?"

The clasped hands resting on the desk clenched, then relaxed. Hammond nodded.

"I'm sending SG-7 after Maybourne, not you."

Jack's mouth opened, but no words came out, just a noise. Which was just as well, since Hammond's eyes narrowed and he said, "You have another problem to address?"

"Something more important than the world being drowned, fried, frozen or otherwise rendered uninhabitable?" Daniel asked, voice high with disbelief.

It was too bad that he was too far down the line to kick, Jack thought. How'd that happen?

"Perhaps not more important, Dr. Jackson," Hammond frowned, "but something that you, as a team, are more uniquely qualified to handle."

Jack sighed and bit the bait. "And that would be?"

Hammond's attention snapped back to him. "There is a..." His mouth twisted. Annoyed? Disgusted? Frustrated? Did it matter? "...moose in a storage room on level 15. Waiting for you, colonel, I believe."

Oh.

"Oh," Jack heard himself say.

**

The moose was behaving himself. Jack had been stuck in a locked room in this place far too many times to not be prepared to make understanding noises at the SFs while trying to silently convey his sympathy through the window. But, no, the animal was standing there in the middle of the room, composed as could be.

He might have even been smiling.

The fact that he could pop out any time he wanted might have had something to do with that, Jack thought.

"Yep, that's him."

"I didn't realize that was being questioned." Daniel's voice tickled -- or that could have been his breath, sliding into Jack's ear on the words -- and Jack shied away from the window, shoulder hunched. He stared, thinking about possible forms of retribution, as Daniel took over the space he left.

Daniel suddenly frowned and practically smushed his nose up against the glass. "He looks smaller."

"He teleports, Daniel. He doesn't shrink."

"I know that," Daniel said absently. "But he seems different. Come on," he waved Carter forward without looking away from the window, "take a look."

Jack sighed when her "curious face" took over and she moved on up to the door. Christ, they were going to fixate if he didn't get this going.

"People, really not that important."

They both made a distracted noise and started murmuring to each other about antler breadth and lines of perspective.

"Really," Jack repeated. "Not."

"What is it that we are supposed to be doing, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

He was inching forward a bit. Any moment now he was going to go up on his toes trying to see over the other two, you could tell, and the window just wasn't that big. So Jack ignored the question and motioned to the solider stationed on the left to open the door. He had to do it again, with a bit more oomph, when the SF's eyes went wide and his head twitched, fighting a vigorous headshake.

Jack gave him a smile.

"It's okay. You can open the door." He leaned in, confiding slowly, "I don't think he'll fit through it, anyway."

That got a rather disturbed look from the guy, even when Jack smiled again -- really reassuringly, this time, he thought -- but at least it got the door open and everyone inside. Little steps.

The moose eyed each of them as they came in and tossed his head when the door was shut quickly behind them.

Jack waved. "Hey there, big guy. Didn't think you liked the accommodations enough to come back."

The moose snorted, without spraying too much snot, thankfully.

"He's not going to answer, Jack."

"Not while I'm asking in English, Daniel, no." Jack sent the other man a meaningful look. Daniel screwed up his face, caught somewhere between a frown and a wince.

"Sir?"

Since it was hard to pull out the big guns with everyone else watching, Jack only narrowed his eyes at Daniel before turning to answer Carter. "The moose has a preference for Swedish."

She mouthed, "Swedish?" as both of Teal'c's eyebrows popped up.

"I don't care what he has a preference for," Daniel declared, folding his arms. "He's still not going to talk back. He's a moose."

The moose, who had been casually heading over during this exchange, bumped Daniel's shoulder with his nose. Daniel yelped, and almost tripped into the wall backing away. The moose gazed at him, eyes huge, and when Daniel glared, the animal huffed and hung his head.

"Now look at that," Jack said. "You've made him sad."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Can we get on with this?"

"I still do not understand what 'this' is," Teal'c said, impatience creeping into his tone, which meant he was heading toward irritated, which meant things should be speeded up. "It would help if you were to explain."

"I don't know," Jack shrugged. "You were standing there in Hammond's office, same as me. We're supposed to figure out how he got here, I guess."

Carter had started making her way around the moose, hands twined carefully behind her back. "Do you really think it matters?"

"Huh?"

She turned back toward them, one hand slipping free to tilt questioningly toward the animal that was now sniffing at her hair. "How it got in." She absently batted the big head away. "We already know it can transport itself to pretty much anywhere it wants."

Jack ran his hand over his own hair and managed to not rub his head. For such a genius... "I think it's more a question of 'here' as in Earth, Carter. What with the Nox homeworld being a tad inaccessible."

"You believe it came aboard a ship?" Teal'c asked.

"Right." Daniel finally moved away from the wall, keeping an eye on the moose as he did. "He hopped on board a passing mothership and dropped in while the goa'uld driving it screwed with the atmosphere?"

"We've seen weirder," Jack grimaced.

"That's pushing coincidence a bit far, though, isn't it? Even for us."

Jack threw up his hands. "Anyone got a better idea?"

Carter cleared her throat. "Well..."

She paused for so long that the moose nudged her, but that wasn't what brought that annoyed glint to her eyes, Jack suspected. "We never determined the limit of its...abilities," she said, her mouth snapping shut on that last word.

Jack blinked. "He doesn't need a stargate?"

She really wasn't happy taking a leap like that, but she didn't say 'no,' either, he noticed.

They all turned to examine the moose.

Not looking any different than he had a moment before, the moose snorted, turned his back on them, and trotted to the other side of the room.

**

"Doesn't really help, knowing that," Daniel observed.

"We don't know," Carter insisted.

"Whether we do or do not, Daniel Jackson is right," Teal'c stated. "It does not help."

"Yeah," Jack agreed.

That was the last half hour, with surprisingly little variation.

He'd kicked SG-11 out of the conference room and settled his team around the table to wait for Hammond to get off the phone, because one thing Jack did know is that he never would have gotten Carter or Daniel to come back if he'd let them out of his sight. Carter would've been wearing tracks into the floor between her office and the storage room, and Daniel would've been hiding. Jack hadn't missed the muttered, "I can't do it in front of people, not anymore," as he marched everyone down the hall.

He was still trying to decide if he was pleased about that reluctance, or disappointed that he wouldn't get to indulge in the (okay, kinda perverted) thrill.

When Hammond appeared in the doorway with an even more solemn expression than usual, Jack pounced.

"You're not going to say that he's dead."

Daniel's head snapped up from where he'd been playing invisible tic-tac-toe with himself on the table. "You don't really think Maybourne will have an answer to all this?"

Hammond said nothing, only moved to his spot at the head of the table, so Jack dropped back into his own seat. "Nah. But if that man is going to die, I want to be there when it happens." Off the looks from around the table: "I want to make sure he's really dead. Only person I know who's revived without a sarcophagus."

"You'll get the chance to reassure yourself, colonel," Hammond finally said. "They had to switch to a helo -- there's too much disturbance in the atmosphere for a jet now -- but they should still be here by 0400."

"That is good news."

Jack looked at Teal'c. Didn't look like he was joking. "Unless he makes off with the moose," Jack said, and he wasn't sure if he was joking.

"Yes. The moose." Hammond pulled himself straighter, shoulders braced. "What did you learn?"

"That Daniel's a prude," Jack muttered.

"He can't talk back!" Daniel hissed while everyone else pretended they hadn't heard.

"Major Carter believes the moose has the ability to teleport itself across great distances," Teal'c informed Hammond.

It took a moment, then the inevitable: "All the way from P3C-117?"

Carter jumped in with, "It's only a theory," and then she winced. "But knowing that it can teleport, I can't think of anything that would rule out the ability to cross light years as easily as mountains. Distance doesn't figure into the equation." The look she turned on Jack was about three notches short of a glare. "Or I don't believe it would if I had an equation. I haven't been given the time to think about it."

That was news to him. "You're telling me you didn't play around with this the first time around?"

Now she was only about one notch short. "Something came up."

What had... "Ah, yes. Siler's explosion."

She glanced at Hammond, then away again, fixing her eyes on the top arc of the 'gate visible through the window. "Nothing blew up. A couple things shorted out."

"There was fire," Daniel reminded her.

Him she glared at.

Hammond cleared his throat. "You still don't have much time, major, but now that you are thinking about it, could you determine how the moose does...whatever it does?"

"I-I suppose so, sir."

"What're you thinking, general?" Jack asked. "We've got a stargate. And it does the transporting groups thing better than riding a moose, I imagine."

"For the time being, yes." Hammond's face closed over, eyes going dark. "The alpha team radioed while you were dealing with the animal. They confirmed something that I had hoped I wouldn't have to address."

Daniel leaned forward, his right hand going up. "There's a problem with the 'gate?"

"Not with the stargate; with Earth. More precisely, with Earth's orbit."

Carter's mouth fell open an inch. "Our orbit is starting to decay?"

That didn't sound at all good. 'Decay' was one of those words that Carter should never say.

"That's what they're telling me," Hammond said.

"Well, we can simply recalculate--"

"Every time, major?"

She slumped slightly in her chair. Which was even more not good.

"That fast?" she asked in a very quiet voice.

Hammond nodded. "Apparently that's what sped up the climate changes in the last day."

Jack was pretty sure he was getting it, but...

"We are out of alignment with the stargate system," Teal'c announced. Because, yeah, that wasn't a question.

"Well, shit." Jack turned on Daniel, leading with a pointed finger that very clearly said, don't mess with me now. "You and I are going to go talk to a moose."

**

Hammond had sent them all up to deal with the moose, but Jack had managed to sidetrack Carter and Teal'c to her lab where they could scrounge up whatever ideas, thoughts, and tinkerings hadn't been blown up the other month. That would allow them to get a head start on whatever they could get out of the moose, he had told them, and while Teal'c hadn't said anything, he'd given Jack an over-the-shoulder look when they'd parted in the elevator. Jack had just waved.

"I really don't understand what you expect to get out of this, Jack," Daniel said from where he was propped in the corner. "Considering how quickly everything is falling apart out there, it seems a little self-indulgent to take time out and treat yourself to a little personal thrill."

Jack pointed the finger at him. "Like you don't get off on what it does to me."

Daniel shrugged, but he couldn't keep the smug smile from flirting with the edges of his mouth.

"Look, you know that's not what this is about." Jack hit the "stop" button, halting the elevator between 18 and 17 so he could face Daniel fully. "We're not going to have a problem, right? Even if there weren't cameras filming the moose's every snort and sneeze."

"No." Daniel sighed and reached around Jack for the controls. With a whir, the elevator started up again. "It just feels weird turning this into a work thing. And I really don't understand. Jack, how many times do I need to say, 'it's a moose'?"

Jack settled next to him against the wall, propping his ass on the handrail. "And Mr. Ed was a horse. And Flipper was a dolphin." He rolled his head to look at Daniel. "Come on. He knew what you were saying when you sent him off with the Tok'ra. How hard can it be to get him to tap out 'yes' and 'no'?"

"Two taps for 'yes' and one for 'no'?" Daniel asked, skepticism plain.

"Who does it in that order? No," Jack sneered and rotated his index finger in a mixing motion. "Other way around."

The elevator doors opened. Jack pushed off and walked out. He was two steps down the corridor before he spun back and stuck a hand between the doors right before they closed. They slid open again and he frowned at Daniel, beckoned.

Daniel sighed and stepped out. "Does it matter?"

"Yes is always one. One tap, one blink." Jeez. "We're not aiming for Morse code."

"Whatever."

"'Whatever'? Just who's supposed to be the linguist here?"

He kind of wanted to know what Daniel would've said, but they'd come to the store room, with that same grim-faced guard snapping to attention. Jack thought about smiling at him, but decided to try orders this time.

"Unlock the door, solider."

That relief far outpaced discomfort in the man's eyes meant, good, good decision. He still closed the door promptly behind them, not peeking at all. The moose trotted over, interest in his eyes and hooves clack-clacking on the floor, and Jack shook his head. How'd that guy end up at the SGC, anyway?

"Are we set?" he asked Daniel. "I ask, you translate, he answers."

Daniel nodded and waved a hand. "Onward."

"Okay. So." Jack turned to the moose. "Do you understand us?"

No one spoke. The moose twitched his left ear to a better listening position.

"Daniel."

A heavy sigh from beside him. Then what Jack assumed was his question in that liquid language spilled into the air. His back straightened, on autopilot as "the colonel" overrode "Jack," keeping him from shivering.

The moose twitched the other ear forward. Slowly, veeerry slowly, his front right leg bent, lifted, and then it came -- sharp, one tap of a moose hoof against the SGC concrete.

Jack grinned. He turned the grin on Daniel, who grimaced and refused to meet his eyes. Eh, they were just getting started. He'd come around.

With a bit of a bounce, Jack turned back to the moose and asked, "Can you help us figure out how to do that...pop-in, pop-out thing?"

There was only a slight pause before Daniel let loose with the sounds that bypassed Jack's nerve-endings and went right to his gut this time, and an even smaller one before the moose really made Jack's day with another single tap.

Jack slapped Daniel's shoulder, ready to crow, when Daniel held up a hand.

"How do we know he really understands what we're asking?"

"What d'you mean?" Jack flapped his own hand toward the moose. "He tapped. One tap. That's a yes. We said that was a yes."

Daniel gave him an impatient look. "It's also a lot easier to tap once than it is to tap twice. We haven't given him any kind of control question."

"You're taking all the fun out of this," Jack grumbled. But Daniel had a point, so Jack thought for a moment and offered up something that had damn well better get two taps.

"Are you here to help the goa'uld take us out?"

Daniel snorted -- sounding an awful lot like the moose, there -- but immediately changed Jack's short sarcastic question into something that could have been a sonnet, it took that long for him to get it all out. Jack fought back a squirm at the heat lodged in his belly and kept his eyes pinned on the moose, which wasn't anything like pinning the tail on the donkey, because the moose would probably kick anyone who tried that into the next galaxy, but he couldn't keep the thought from intruding, so he sucked it up, gave it an internal snicker, and moved on just in time to see two taps that were violent enough to strike tiny sparks.

"Ha!" he pointed.

Daniel's eyebrows were up and still climbing. "Okay, yeah." A smile started working on the left corner of his mouth and Jack really just wanted to lean in and taste that wonder, but...cameras.

"You know," Daniel said, his head turning until they were almost nose-to-nose, "there are still a lot of things that can't be conveyed through 'yes' and 'no,' Jack."

Huh? Jack shook his head, and that helped clear his brain of the fog brought on by the mixture of relief, amusement and worry in Daniel's eyes. Still, what?

"Sam's not going to build anything any time soon if she has to guess what she should be asking," Daniel prompted.

"Oh." Jack winced and looked over at the moose when the big guy let out a huge sigh and started wandering around behind them. "She'll figure something out; she always does."

"May I remind you who it is that's going to be stuck playing go-between during these solution-seeking sessions?"

Jack offered a smile, but it wasn't a very good one and Daniel wasn't buying.

"While it's been fun winding you up in here..."

"I knew you weren't just translating!" Jack exclaimed. Ha. Sneaky bastard.

Daniel just raised an eyebrow. "...you also realize that I'm going to ban you from the room during those sessions."

"Hey, now," Jack protested.

At that moment, the moose lipped the back of Jack's head.

"Hey!"

Jack automatically turned and ducked while Daniel sniggered. It was also automatic to raise a hand to the back of his head, but Jack thought better of actually touching it when he felt the chill that only came from seriously wet hair.

He glared at the moose, and Daniel, too, since they were both laughing at him. "He drooled on me."

"No he didn't," Daniel said, a smile still tugging at his mouth as he petted the moose's nose. "I recognize that. You should feel honored, that was a kiss."

The moose pulled back with a huff that was hard enough to ruffle Daniel's hair. Daniel screwed up his nose and Jack shuddered, thinking: ew, moose breath, ew, moose kisses, eeewww! Then he thought of something else.

"And how would you recognize a moose kiss?"

Daniel's arms folded, like they always did when he got that don't you dare look on his face. "They look to be quite similar to mastadge kisses."

It was tempting, but... "So he likes me." Jack pulled the right cuff of his jacket down enough that he could gather the material in a fist and went to work scrubbing off whatever love the moose had left on the back of his head. "Great."

**

"So...what do you think...is going on down there?"

"I do not know. I am not 'down there.'"

"Yeah. But...give it a guess."

"If you wish to know, why do you not--"

"Oh, I...don't."

"You said that you did."

"Nah. It's probably boring. Equations that don't make any sense in English...can't see 'em making much more sense in...Swedish. Or moo--Yeack! Shit!"

"Are you all right, O'Neill?"

"Aaahhfuck. Yeah. Wanna give me a hand?"

"Perhaps you should go to the infirmary."

"Nuh-uh. Nooo. Just needs a little towel and a lotta ice."

"You are bleeding."

"Making quite a mess, actually. But it's not -- ow, stop that! -- the first time someone's bloodied my nose."

"I should not have been able to land that blow."

"Yes, well. I'm going to go hit the showers. You...really don't need to, do you?"

"No. As I remember, we are to return to the briefing room at 0300."

"Oh, that was good! Smooth. Subtle. Go on, Teal'c. Shoo. I'll be there."

**

He was there, all right. On time. Which meant he walked right into a sharp look from Daniel.

"Jack...?"

Playing innocent never hurt. "What?"

"Your nose. It's..."

Daniel's finger jabbed and Jack's head jerked back, his hand cupping over the dull throb in the middle of his face that would've gotten a lot worse if that damn finger had connected.

"Watch it!"

Lips pursed, Daniel wiggled the finger up and down, just short of touching the swollen line. "Okay, what did you do?"

Jack would have sneered, but that would have involved moving the nose. He settled for a completely false smile. He had, after all, been banned from the room. "Ran into a door."

Radiating skepticism, Daniel looked over Jack's shoulder. "Teal'c?"

"I punched him in the nose."

Daniel choked. Jack spun, throwing up his hands. Jesus. Where'd that warrior code go when it was really needed? "Teal'c!"

A slight smile settled on Teal'c's face. Jack scowled at it while the choking sound behind him sputtered into snickering. May the bastard die on that laugh, Jack thought.

He headed over to the table, not bothering to look at Daniel as he said, "It's your fault, I'll have you know."

The snicker cut off. "How?" Daniel protested.

Jack waved his hand dismissively, then reached out and snagged a chair. "If you hadn't gotten all snippy about not letting me stick around for the Q&A with the moose, I wouldn't have had nothing to do, leaving me with no choice but to end up sparring with Teal'c while I thought about you doing Q&A with the moose and thus, I get popped in the nose."

He dropped into the seat. Daniel quickly sat down beside him and sighed the heavy, heavy sigh of the put-upon. Since Teal'c kept walking, passing through the door and heading for Hammond's office, it looked like, Jack didn't bother holding in the annoyed "tcha" that brought to his tongue; that was supposed to be his sigh. Daniel turned toward him, eyes narrowed.

"I wasn't being snippy, Jack. I wanted to get some work done. We wouldn't have gotten anywhere with you in the room."

A bit offended, Jack cocked his head. He was about to say something -- "Oh, yeah, because I just love fooling around when the future of the human race is at stake" seemed either too harsh, or too on target, so he was still thinking -- when that almost-shy smile that came so rarely now lit Daniel's face and tightened around Jack's lungs.

"You're a distraction," he said.

Really? Jack felt a smile taking over his own mouth. "To the moose?"

A quick sideways look. "Well, yes." The "and me" was loud and clear, and Jack smirked.

Daniel shook his head, smile disappearing. "I think we got somewhere. Sam started babbling faster than I could keep up and ran out, I assume to her office, but then I don't think I was supposed to be keeping up at that point, so it really doesn't matter. I caught something about that folding time-space thing that the Tollans didn't do." Daniel's hands fluttered above the tabletop, voicing the depth of his uncertainty for him better than his words. "I was basically wrapping Swedish around technical terms. I'm not even sure I was really necessary."

Although he wanted to still those hands with his own, Jack only cuffed Daniel on the shoulder. "Of course you were necessary. The moose doesn't tap for just anyone, you know."

That got him a half laugh, which wasn't a bad start. But Teal'c's solid presence appeared in the doorway, so anything else would have to wait.

"General Hammond will be on the telephone for some time."

Jack winced, and yeah, that hurt. "The red one?"

Teal'c didn't wince; he never did. The way he twisted his eyebrows was as eloquent as anything Daniel had ever attempted, though. Okay then.

"How about we go see if we can help Carter along?"

"Help?" Daniel's voice cracked with confusion. "Did I not explain the way-beyond-me space-time folding situation?"

"Yeah." Jack shrugged. "But half the time I'm convinced she comes up with stuff just to get me out of her hair. So let's go speed the process up a bit."

Teal'c closed his eyes for a moment, considering, and Jack could almost see him remembering different incidents and miracles. Then he nodded. "A link between the two events does appear to exist," he said, and moved to the door without another word.

Jack looked at Daniel. Daniel muttered something that sounded a lot like a dig at Jack's sanity. Jack wondered how to maneuver a stop at the commissary for more ice.

Speaking of which...

"Has anyone bothered to feed the moose?"

Daniel stopped short, and Jack just missed actually running into the door.

"I take it that's a 'no.'"

**

He wasn't there.

"Of course he's not here! Shit, if I could pop in and out and wherever I wanted, I sure as hell wouldn't be here!"

"Uh, Jack..."

"I mean, my god, we left him in here, alone, didn't give him any food, anything to play with, even." Jack stomped back to the door and through, barely pausing to snarl at the cowering guard who at least had the sense not to be the idiot from earlier. "He probably snorted, 'To hell with you all, I'm going home,' and popped back over to the other end of the universe!"

"Jack!" Daniel called from behind him with enough urgency that Jack threw on the breaks and spun around to face him.

"What?"

Daniel caught a pipe on the wall to stop himself just short of barreling into Jack. "We..." He paused, held up a hand with finger pointed in an order to hold that thought, and flipped his beeper off his belt. Jack glared and bounced. Daniel had 30 seconds. That was it.

"Ah. Good."

Jack stepped forward a little further into Daniel's space. It had never intimidated the man before, but... "Good as in, good? Or good as in, you know something that's going to stop me from killing you?"

Daniel looked up from the gadget with a sly smile. "Well, yeah, I do." Jack blinked. "But, no, this is good good," Daniel continued. "It's Sam." He turned the beeper so Jack could read the little black digital letters.

COME GET YOUR MOOSE. NOW.

**

Carter might have been a little pissed off. Jack wasn't going by the hard glint he was sure was in her eyes, or by anything she said. He was simply taking a stab at assessing the situation given what he knew, which was that there was a moose on her lab table.

Daniel's eyes were about as wide as his mouth.

"Ohmygod."

"Dan-iel!"

Daniel bit his lip and tilted his head toward Jack. "Did you teach her how to say it that way?"

"Me?" Jack wasn't whispering, and he wasn't doing it on purpose, just, he didn't want to startle the moose into falling off the table. "No, but she's heard me say it that way often enough."

"Sir? Are you with him?"

Jack inched into the room, kind of wishing for more protection than a t-shirt. "You seem to have a moose on your table, Carter."

Her head appeared from behind the moose's left antler and, yes, there was the glare. "Yes. Sir."

The moose made a quizzical noise and started to turn toward Jack and everyone leaped forward with a common gasp. Jack did notice at the edge of his field of vision -- which was now full of hairy moose-ass -- that Carter wasn't leaping toward the table, but figuring that out wasn't really the priority right now.

"Jesus! Daniel, tell it to stop!"

"Stopp!"

The moose froze. Jack leaned around the ass and gaped at Daniel. "That's it? 'Stop' with a weird 'o' sound?"

Daniel looked uncomfortable. "It has an extra 'p' in it."

"Oh, that makes it all better."

There was a frustrated growl. It came from beyond the moose, so Jack moved around, patting the moose's side, until he could see Carter: eyes narrowed dangerously, arms flung wide, and body braced protectively, a mother lion standing between the moose and the computer that looked like it had been hastily dragged, wires and all, over to the bank of blinking colored lights that took up the far wall.

She didn't turn her hostile stare away from the moose as her lips pulled back. "Sir," she said through clenched teeth, "while I appreciate its earlier help, I would appreciate it even more if the moose was now elsewhere."

Jack looked at her, looked at the moose, looked at the floor, and then, finally, looked at the door. "Yeah."

He shifted carefully back out of Carter's sight even though he was pretty sure she wasn't tracking him like the moose's head was, antlers almost hitting the lights as they turned. Once he could see Daniel again, Jack curled a finger, beckoning.

Eyebrows pulled together questioningly, Daniel took one step away from the standard-sized doorway. "I don't think he'll--"

Jack gave Daniel an encouraging smile and gestured toward the moose with a disappearing-type wave. "Why don't you tell him to pop back down to the storage room...where we'll meet him in a couple of minutes, since we'll have to take the elevator?"

Enlightenment dawned on Daniel's face. Jack shook his head, but held back from saying anything that could be interpreted as petty.

Then, blocking out the sound of Daniel's voice wrapping around sounds that sure didn't seem to just be extra "p's," Jack went about making sure he was heading out the door as he felt the woosh that meant Carter had a clear shot.

**

The look in the moose's eyes when they finally got him to turn around from the corner he'd retreated into -- a task that was a hell of a lot harder to do than Jack thought it would be without giving that oh-so handy tail a yank -- was heartrending.

"Damn. I shouldn't have let myself get distracted."

"It's not your fault, Jack." Daniel's hand was over his mouth and his voice was all choked up, which made Jack feel somewhat better about the fist clenched somewhere at the top of his chest. "I think we've all been justifiably focused on other things."

"Not really," Jack mumbled, glancing at the moose and then looking away quickly with a wince at the betrayal he saw in those depths. Using Teal'c to blow off all the steam he'd built up wasn't going to save the world as they knew it...or at least what was left of it.

He turned back again, opening his mouth to apologize, but, well, what exactly do you say to someone you left locked in a concrete bunker? The moose kept his enormous brown eyes on Jack's for one more painfully long moment before blinking sadly and hanging his head. The fist tightened.

"Aw, jeez."

Daniel coughed, hard, and then, to Jack's astonishment, dissolved into full-body laughter.

The moose sniffed and trotted around back to his corner, and Daniel bent over double, bracing his hands on his knees as he choked on his completely inappropriate mirth.

Jack stepped away and stuffed his hands in his pockets, ignoring Daniel. What would it take to get that look off the moose's face? He had no clue what an alien moose would eat. Hell, he'd settle for thinking up something for an Earth moose and giving that a shot. Did moose eat meat? Probably not. Cows were a little too much like a cousin, he'd think. Crap. Maybe chicken?

Daniel finally stopped sputtering and pulled himself under control. "I'm betting we could dig up some fruit or vegetables and he'd be a happy camper," he offered, with only a slight hitch in his voice.

"Whatever." Jack dismissed Daniel with a wave, even though that was probably the best bet. "You clearly don't care about his suffering."

"Hey," Daniel protested, "I care. You care a lot more." He moved up close next to Jack and didn't retreat when Jack turned a half-hearted dark look on him. Instead, Daniel grinned. "You're really stuck on him."

Jack shifted to look at the moose, who was sending warily coy looks over his shoulder at them. "Maybe."

Daniel bumped his shoulder against Jack's. "You know, it'll probably be another hour before Sam's either got something or comes looking for inspiration. Or a chainsaw. Why don't you stay here and I'll go get Teal'c, some food, and we'll have..." he looked at his watch, "...an early breakfast."

After a quick glance up at the security camera, Jack suppressed the impulse he wanted to go with and only reached out to push Daniel's glasses back up his nose. "Sounds like a plan."

**

Jack was propped against the wall munching on a pretty good apple, nice and tart, when it suddenly occurred to him to ask, "Where'd you find the picnic basket?"

Teal'c almost broke into a grin as he reached into the wicker and pulled out a container of bright orange...little mini carrots? Jeez, forget the basket, where the hell did those come from?

"Sergeant Miller said it was discovered behind the refrigeration unit earlier tonight." Teal'c tilted the basket, like he was admiring its construction or something. "No one had claimed it."

It was a nice sturdy one, Jack admitted, but he still frowned at it. "And we're sure it doesn't teleport, too?"

Daniel choked. Jack leaned over and gave him a good hard thwack on the back.

"Appears out of nowhere, same time as the big guy shows up." Jack shrugged. "Maybe he brought his own lunch. You pack this thing, or was it already set?"

While Daniel rolled his eyes the moose bent over, sniffed Teal'c's carrots, and went for the kill.

"Whoa, there!" Jack grabbed, but got nothing but air when the moose pulled himself fully upright and the basket out of reach, the handle firmly between his teeth. He let out a sound that could only be described as a laugh and backed away as Jack scrambled to his feet.

"Did your mother never teach you to share?" Jack demanded.

"I believe he is hungrier than we are, O'Neill," Teal'c offered.

There was a gleam in the moose's eyes. Jack narrowed his own. "I don't care how hungry you are, you ask."

The moose snorted and turned his head to drop the basket to one side. Free of the prize, he lowered his head and Jack got a good look at the various pointy parts that come with antlers. Jack raised his chin, considering the challenge.

"Good grief, Jack, let him have the basket," Daniel muttered.

Jack didn't move, because, "We have to save some for Carter." Plus, no way was he letting a moose take the grapes he saw in there when he went for the apple.

"Major Carter is able to find the kitchen should she need to eat," Teal'c said.

Jack shot a quick glance at Teal'c, taking in the relaxed straight-back posture. "Doesn't bother you at all, not picking up the gauntlet? Letting the guy get away with murder? Standing there -- well, sitting -- while the animal makes off with the food?"

Teal'c's expression didn't change from unperturbed, even when the moose shook his head and pawed at the floor. "I am not the one being challenged," he said before crunching down on his snack.

Without taking his eyes off the moose Jack caught the tip of his tongue between his back teeth and thought about stealing the carrots, just to see what would happen. It wasn't like Teal'c would kill him or anything.

Daniel cleared his throat. "Just what are you going to do, butt heads with him?"

Startled, Jack spun around. "With Teal'c?" he asked, a little disturbed that that confrontation was all too easy to picture, along with sound effects. He bit back a smile. Teal'c as Curly. Did that make him Moe?

Both of Teal'c's eyebrows went up. Daniel got that pinched expression, like he had a headache coming on. Looking at them, his brain moving past the Stooges, Jack winced. "That's not what you meant."

"Nooo." Daniel rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. "No, but thank you for that visual."

Jack felt more than saw the moose step forward and he turned back just in time for the basket to thump into his chest. Then the moose let out a huff of air that washed over Jack's face and nudged him so hard that Jack ended up crashing into Daniel's lap.

Daniel gasped as all of Jack's weight hit -- trying to hang onto a basket, here -- but his arms came up around Jack automatically. Teal'c had moved up to a crouch, but he settled back down when Daniel let go with one hand to give him a "don't worry" wave and the moose turned away.

Secure, nothing broken, Jack hugged the basket to his chest and watched the moose wander over to scoop the grapes off the floor with one gulp.

**

The rabbit was a cute one. White, with a splatter of light brown spots, including one on its ass, and really, really fuzzy.

"And where did we find this?" Jack asked.

"One of the guards at the front gate, he found it hiding under his chair." Daniel reached out and stroked the bunny's head, right between the ears, and the little guy slowly stopped trembling like he was going to break apart right there in Teal'c's hand.

"A guard with a soft spot." Jack stuffed his hands in his pockets so they would stop itching to touch that soft fuzz, too. "How'd we end up with a liability like that?"

"Come on, Jack, you wouldn't leave anyone out there in this mess."

"That's not an anyone, it's an anything," Jack pointed out, except without the pointing because now the bunny was looking at him and there was no way that was a pleading look in those little black eyes, but he wasn't taking any chances.

"I do not believe it will hinder us in any way," Teal'c said. "It is quite small."

There was a slight smile on his lips. They were all going soft, damn it. They'd sit around, get distracted, play with it...

"Okay."

Daniel looked up. "Really?" He frowned. "No yelling? No yelling later?"

Jack shrugged. "Nah. Playmate."

A scandalized look came over Daniel's face. Jack put an innocent expression on his own. Teal'c, looking back and forth between them, raised an eyebrow that almost screamed his confusion.

It would almost be worth it to let Daniel keep thinking those thoughts, but, "Company for the moose," Jack finally explained, kind of proud of the solution. "Plus, maybe it'll be able to keep him from popping in on Carter again and getting himself killed."

Teal'c nodded, approving. Daniel, though, still looked suspicious, so Jack pulled out a hand and finally did point that finger at him.

"There will, however, be yelling if I find rabbit pellets all over the place."

**

Next came the baby chicken. A chick. A fluffy yellow one that was smaller and cuter than the rabbit had been, tucked safely in Teal'c's huge hand when he walked into Hammond's office. It chirped, too. Little peeping noises as it turned around and around and around.

The moose was off again with Carter -- by her choice, this time, although the moose and Daniel had been summoned to the infirmary, not the lab, Jack had noted with a smirk -- so they were stuck with the bird for a bit and Hammond was the only one around to provide a sour look for Jack's comment that they were going to need a bigger boat.

**

Carter burst into the conference room and came to a hard stop against a chair.

Jack took in the spiky hair and red-rimmed eyes. "We're not going anywhere, you could have walked."

Hanging onto the chair with one hand, she looked around at all of them arrayed around the table, clearly waiting for her and her news, and ran her other hand through her hair.

"Sit down and catch your breath, major," Hammond told her.

"Yes, sir," she said as she sat, which seemed a bit counterproductive to Jack, but it was her oxygen, he figured. And Fraiser didn't speak up, although she was keeping a pretty intense look on Carter's flushed face.

Daniel pushed a hastily filled glass of water across the table toward her. "You know how he does it."

Half the water disappeared in one gulp and Carter coughed slightly before she gave him a tight smile. "Yes. I think I do."

"So?" Jack asked when the silence hung around for more than a couple of seconds.

She took a deep breath. "It's the antlers."

Some more silence. Stunned, this time.

"You're kidding, right?"

She turned on Daniel. "I'd much rather it was something more complicated, or at least less ridiculous, believe me."

"Antlers," Jack said. Nope, didn't matter who said it.

A sigh. "Sir. It's actually a substance in the antlers. It's marrowless bone, like any other...normal moose's, but the density is slightly lower, which allows for more vibration. When the vibration reaches the right pitch, it--"

"He wiggles his antlers?"

Once again, it was a good thing Daniel asked that, Jack thought as he listened to Carter's defensive rant and watched Fraiser pull out x-rays covering all the angles. He was having too much trouble trying not to laugh.

**

"No."

"Sir, I don't think--"

"No."

"Colonel," Carter huffed, impatient. Jack didn't care.

"I don't care, Carter. N. O. No. Try it out on Teal'c. He's the one who doesn't look funny with things on his head."

"Excuse me?"

Jack turned his glare on the man barely holding in laughter to his left. "Daniel. I'm saving your dignity here, too."

"I am still here, O'Neill."

Yes, Teal'c was. And Teal'c didn't look happy. In fact, he was crossing his arms in that way that really highlighted all of his muscles, that way that he only did when he really wanted to scare the crap out of someone, although he'd used "intimidate" when he'd confessed that to Jack one late guard shift.

"Look--" Carter started, but Jack waved her quiet and backpedaled, quickly. Because, dammit, it worked.

"Okay, yes," he said, giving the agreement a firm nod. "But your dignity is so firmly entrenched that there's nothing that could possibly put a dent in it."

A disbelieving eyebrow was raised.

"Really," Jack assured him.

There was a faint snort.

"Shut up, Daniel," Jack hissed as Teal'c turned to Carter.

"I do not think I will be participating in this experiment," he informed her.

Leaning on her lab table, she squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't actually have to give you antlers, you do realize this?" she asked the room at large.

"Oh?" Jack asked, perking up. If the antlers weren't mandatory, this was a whole new, and potentially much less painful, situation. But at the same time... "Why not?"

"I just need to find the right frequency that will cause the substance to--" Jack motioned her past the technical stuff. Her lips tightened, and she went on quickly, "--vibrate the way it needs to in order to let you go 'pop.'"

Jack grinned at her discomfort with that totally unscientific term and she gritted her teeth. "As far as I know, it doesn't matter what shape the substance is in," she said, fighting not to get snippy, he could tell. "I could make it into a remote control, if it would make you happy. Sir."

Jack thought that one over, and then had a thought.

"I don't suppose you could..." he waved his hand in a "magical" gesture, "...make whatever it is into mini-antlers? Ones we could hold, maybe?" He frowned. "What?"

Carter's little laugh as she turned away, hand over her eyes, was probably the only thing keeping her from crying in frustration, Daniel informed Jack while he and Teal'c hustled Jack out of the lab.

**

Except for one thing, it almost felt like the first time he'd gone through the Stargate. Actually, it was more like when he got zapped up by Thor and his buddies. Good guys. All of them. Were there any female Asgard? Maybe someone should mention that that would probably help with the dying out problem.

"My arm's numb," Jack complained.

The moose gave him a look.

Jack blinked, then turned in a quick circle. "Hey..." He turned again. "Sweet!"

With a sigh, the moose trotted over -- detouring around the rabbit and chick, who appeared to be staging a standoff in the middle of the echoing storage room -- and bumped Jack's numb arm, which instantly started to tingle. It didn't go prickly, like when some part of him had fallen asleep. He knew what that felt like and this wasn't that. It was a tingle. Kind of a...sparkly feeling. Jack shook his arm, and the sparkle started up his arm from the lightweight cuff that Carter had snapped on just a couple of minutes ago in Daniel's office and worked its way toward his shoulder. His head started to float.

"Um." Jack grabbed at the moose. He ended up hanging on to an ear and when the moose started to shake him off, he hung on tighter. "Hey," Jack tried again, "could you..." His knees buckled and disappeared, except the rest of his legs were still there, so... "...get..."

**

"...needs insulation."

"Won't that interfere with the..."

"Vibration. Yes. But I should be able to put something together that can keep the cuff from coming directly into contact with a person while still close enough that the field it generates envelops you completely. Like I was trying to tell the colonel, it's not something I want to test through trial and error, though. Having any bit of you not covered by the field is not good."

"Is a cuff the only option for this device?"

"No. I thought it would be best because in that form you don't have to hold onto it. Being able to keep your hands free is useful."

"True, but how big does it need to be? I mean, could you make it into a necklace? Dogtags?"

There was finally a break in the babbling -- probably Carter redesigning on the whiteboard in her head -- so Jack tried to thank them and ask them to go away because talking, headache.

What came out was a groan, which also pretty much said it all.

"Ja--" "--onel--" "O'Neill?"

He managed to crank his eyelids open a slit, just enough to see a whole lot of Jaffa-face.

"Maybe...has to be antlers," he croaked.

Teal'c smiled at him. That was nice. "You are awake."

But that close, the words did their best to bore into his skull. Jack closed his eyes again and tried to frown the pain away. "Aspirin?"

"Try this, colonel."

While he fought a desperate battle to keep the pain that was getting deeper and deeper from splitting his head into messy parts, firm hands lifted and propped and finally got him sitting up. One of those hands took his and it was Fraiser's voice, soft, thank god, that told him to swallow whatever pills she'd given him. Hoping for fast-acting poison, he did.

"Jack, are you--?"

"Shhhhh." Eyes still shut tight, really tight, Jack thrust the glass toward Daniel, Fraiser, whoever wanted to take it. "Please."

A pause. Then some murmuring. Murmuring wasn't bad, but...

"We'll come back in an hour," Daniel whispered to him.

"Good idea," Jack whispered back.

**

Jack wasn't allowed to play with the latest version of Carter's little miracle-in-progress. Hammond didn't have to make that very clear, but he did anyway before leaving Jack to escape from Fraiser on his own via slipping out while the good doctor bandaged Siler's neck. Carter made it even clearer when she caught up with him in the corridor, and Jack used his special glare to freeze her while the elevator doors closed between them so she couldn't keep making it. When the moose positioned himself behind him, and Daniel and Teal'c unsurreptitiously nodded at each other before turning in unison to face him, Jack cried foul.

"I got it. Don't. Touch. The teleportation thing. Believe me, after the last two hours that's the one thing I'm not going to argue."

Daniel frowned and nudged the rabbit away with the side of his foot. "You had us worried, Jack. Sure, you've done some stupid things before, but--"

"Gee, thanks."

"Shall I read the list?"

"Do you want to get into a 'whose list is bigger' argument on this particular topic, Daniel? Really?"

Daniel shrugged, coming up just short of true nonchalance. Jack smirked while Teal'c did a crappy job of hiding his own amusement. A little snuffle noise came from behind him and Jack turned to face the moose, eyes narrowing.

"Thanks for the save, big guy. But, you know, you could've said something before we tried it."

"You tried it before anyone had the opportunity to say something, O'Neill," Teal'c pointed out.

The moose nodded.

Still feeling like there was a coordinated attack going on, Jack shot a glare Teal'c's way. "All I did was pass my hand over it. I didn't touch a damn thing."

Daniel stepped closer to voice a skeptical, "Really?"

"No, I pressed everything, and it was fun," Jack said, giving Daniel only a slight sneer because he was distracted by the realization that, "We're just lucky that Carter programmed it to go here. Hair trigger like that, who knows where I would have ended up."

Daniel's frown grew deeper, heading through confusion and toward something more. "Uh, actually..."

"What?" Jack felt an echo of the headache coming back. "Even that didn't work right?"

"Major Carter did not program the cuff at all."

The way Teal'c's eyebrow went up when he said that, coming as he took Jack's arm in a firm grip, was even more disturbing than Daniel's concentration, Jack decided, wondering how long he had until he could beg someone to get more meds from Fraiser.

Then what Teal'c said sank in.

"I could've ended up in Siberia!" Jack howled.

"It's more likely you would have ended up in the side of the mountain," Daniel observed.

Jack pulled out of Teal'c's hold and swung around, and thought about taking a swing at Daniel. "Not helping!"

A warm nose pressed into his back. Before Jack could react to that, there was the weirdest feeling on the top of his head; not the subtle comforting feel of fingers running through his hair, but close. More like tickling, or tugging, or...

Daniel's eyes were wide, and it wasn't because Jack was yelling, not any more. With a horrible thought barreling through, Jack growled, and didn't hesitate and didn't look when he slapped the moose's head away.

Jesus. It was bad enough when dogs ate his hair.

Teal'c shifted his bulk to face the space behind Jack and there was a grunted questioning noise. His hands fisted at his sides -- because he was going to get out of here and track Carter down, and make sure that no one died while she perfected her gadget for keeping everyone from dying, and he was going to do that without asking why the moose liked nibbling on his head -- Jack started for the door, the baby chick peeping frantically as it hopped out of his path.

As he pounded a fist on the metal in a demand for freedom, if not sanity, Jack heard Teal'c say something low, not using the Jaffa-voice, so who knew what, but Daniel's snort of laughter almost drowned out the soft disappointed-animal sound.

**

By the time Jack reached Carter's lab, the others had caught up to him. He wasn't sure how. Daniel? He would run through the corridors. But Teal'c?

"He was just trying to be helpful," Daniel said as he squeezed through the door with Jack.

"How? By helping you with that plan to make sure I go bald before my time?"

Daniel opened his mouth to respond and it stayed open when Carter stabbed a finger their direction. "Yell outside." She pulled the finger back before adding, "Sir," without looking up from the mess of stuff on her table.

"Yeah, about that." Jack stopped close enough to her that him just standing there and staring at the top of her head was...yes, now she looked up. "Some of the yelling is going to have to happen here," he informed her, crossing his arms. "Unless you can explain how that thing shot me down for a moose visit when I never pushed a single button."

Her eyes went wide and she looked around Jack to the men behind him.

"What?"

"Major..." Jack started to threaten, because, hey, guy in charge, but Teal'c spoke up.

"The teleportation device apparently activated on its own," he said.

"No, it couldn't," she protested.

"Well, it did," Jack assured her.

"There's no way that it could have started up unless you did something," she snapped. Jack looked at her. She blinked and leaned back from the combative stance she'd taken. "Sorry, sir. But the connection needs to be made for power to start. The switch, quite literally, needs to be flipped."

"Are you sure?" Daniel asked. She sent him an annoyed look and Jack settled into a more comfortable position leaning against the table as Daniel held up a hand to stop whatever she would say. "I know you made it, so you'd know. And I know you made it out of artificial components, just modeling it after the stuff in the moose's antlers. But...how close did you get?"

Carter's confusion must have been pretty complete because there wasn't any irritation in her voice when she asked, "What are you asking?"

Daniel took a deep breath. "Well, the moose doesn't have an 'on' button." He frowned slightly. "That we know of."

Even Teal'c looked intrigued by that one, Jack thought with a small smile.

Carter's head tilted, considering. "You think it's something about the substance itself?"

"Why not?" Daniel asked.

Carter "hmmm"ed and reached for the oval device she'd been working on under the light on the table. Jack was about to wonder just how finished that thing was when she stopped, just short, and after a moment's hesitation, pulled her hand back quickly.

"Perhaps you should ask the moose," Teal'c suggested.

Jack sighed. There had to be a better way to do this.

**

There was a little bitty guy standing on his head, stomping. Jack was willing to swear to that. Or swear about it, because he could be jumping.

"With goddamn combat boots," he muttered.

"What?" Daniel asked from the other side of the elevator, a frown on his face that clearly asked whether MacKenzie should be given a call.

"There's a--" Jack shut up. Heaved out a sigh. "My head hurts again."

Daniel nodded, and chewed on his lip as they dropped another floor. Jack closed his eyes, resting the non-aching back of his head against the cool metal behind him, checking to see if darkness could do what wishing couldn't. Apparently not in a few seconds, it couldn't. Daniel's voice came out of the void, "You know, there's something that could help that."

"A sledgehammer?" Pretty please.

An amused snort. "No." Jack looked down again to see Daniel's hand drop away, just short of making contact with Jack's hair. Jack didn't say anything, a little worried he would beg to feel those fingers kneading the pain out of his skull. "Let the moose do his thing this time," Daniel said, almost chiding.

Jack scowled, the memory of the teeth and the hair and the something about helping and-- "Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?"

"He didn't say it outright--"

"You were right; he's a moose, he can't talk."

Daniel paused, then let out a huff of a sigh. "Yes. Yes, I was right."

"So what'd he say?"

Jack braced himself, but he must have let some of his anticipation show because, after the initial shocked gaping, Daniel's eyes narrowed.

"Does it help? Does it make the headache go away, being this contrary?" he asked, mostly curious, with only a hint of irritation.

Jack poked a thought at the sore thudding in his brain. Nothing stabbed back. "Yeah. A little."

With a concerned frown, Daniel brushed a cool hand over Jack's hair, and Jack closed his eyes again and pushed up into that comfort, rubbing against--

They both pulled back quickly. Daniel's eyes were wide and Jack was pretty sure his own were narrowed to slits thanks to the unhappy knowledge that that lovely interaction for the cameras sure as hell hadn't been thought through.

He shook his head, annoyed with himself, and waved aside the apology that he could see on Daniel's lips. "So what makes you think that eating my head is the moose's way of helping?" he asked, hauling them back on track.

Silent, Daniel stuck his hands in his pockets. Not a bad idea, Jack thought. Keeps them from going other places, like where they shouldn't be going.

"Well," Daniel finally said, "you were getting that same scrunchy line of pain between your eyes right before he started teething at your hair."

"'Scrunchy line of pain'?" That was a new one.

"It's this little line." Daniel slipped one hand free and jabbed at the point between Jack's eyebrows. "Right there."

"Hey," Jack protested, and was about to add, "watch it with the poking," when he caught Daniel's faint, teasing smile. He bit back his own laugh. That was one way to break the tension, yes. "Fine. Just what I need, more lines. But he also did it before artificial antlers were even a gleam in Carter's eye, I'll have you remember. Slobbered. All over me."

"Just on your head. And that was a kiss, I told you."

The elevator doors slid open just then, distracting Jack from the creepy shadow feeling of moose slobber on his head. "Right." He started out. Stopped. "Hey, weren't Teal'c and Carter supposed to meet us down here with the gadget?"

"Yeah," Daniel said, also looking down the corridor at the Jaffa standing all by his lonesome by the open door. His eyebrows rose and lowered quickly, expressing both surprise and speculation. "That can't be good."

"No. Probably not." Jack pulled in a bracing breath and started forward again. "Let's go see what hitch we've snagged now."

Teal'c, hands clasped behind his back, waited patiently for them to draw even with him. The moment they did, giving them a clear view inside the room, Jack was confused all over again.

"He's still here."

"The moose?" Teal'c asked. The moose came over to the door and stuck his nose out, the only bit that would fit until his antlers got in the way. Teal'c reached out and rested his hand on the nose and the moose nudged him, almost nuzzling, Jack thought. Which was great, it was wonderful to see them getting along, but-- "Indeed," Teal'c said. "Where else would he be?"

"We-ell," Daniel started.

"Then where's Carter?" Jack demanded.

The moose snorted and backed up, jerking his head in a beckoning sort of way. Jack scowled at Teal'c, who had this awfully smug look, and ducked into the storage room. He felt Daniel enter behind him and he almost stopped to tell Teal'c this was silly, but the moose continued to urge him forward, so Jack followed him into the middle of the room.

"I'm not seeing a Carter," he said, making a turn with his hands held out from his sides. "Nope. No Carter."

The moose shook his head, and there was something like disappointment in his eyes.

**

"How come she got to try it without testing?"

His headache was gone. Mostly, Jack thought, because he really wanted to know the answer to this. Not that he was complaining, noooo, he was curious. And concerned. And wanting to be kept informed.

"She didn't," Hammond said.

"I think you were the test, Jack, intentional or not," Daniel offered, and ducked his head in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his little grin when Jack mouthed, 'gee, thanks,' at him.

Frowning, Jack turned to Carter. "It just seems like..." His hand started waving as he groped for what he was supposed to be trying to say. "...like there should have been more steps in there. Or something."

"Steps?" she asked, choking a little.

"Steps. Like seeing if it would take you from the top of the stairs to the bottom of the stairs. Line of sight."

She swallowed, cleared her throat. "Line of sight doesn't make any difference, colonel. You know that. We've already established that the moose can transport himself across galaxies if he wants to. Steps and stairs aren't really an issue."

Jack tried to make his shrug not a shrug. "Yeah, the moose can. I'm just saying, how did you know you weren't going to keel over? Or end up in Waukegan?"

"The moose gave us his approval of her most recent modifications," Teal'c said. "How do you think Major Carter was able to successfully transport herself to the gateroom and then to General Hammond's office?"

"I dunno. Luck?" Jack guessed.

"Sir."

Yes, that was Carter's offended voice. Great.

"Major." Hammond's voice, hard and sharp, brought them all back to focus on him. "You're positive that it will work -- safely -- in this version?" he asked.

"Yes, sir. It will take some time to create additional devices, but once we've turned out a couple of them, you can start getting people moving and switch off," she said. "You should be able to use one and carry others with no interference, with the insulation keeping the waves from traveling further than necessary. People will just need to keep them in a bag or container, not hold them directly."

"How long is 'some time,' major?"

"Two hours, maybe three for the next one," she said with a slight frown. "And maybe the one after that if I can get Siler or someone else to help out. I don't want to take any chances until I have the formula down cold."

Hammond nodded and looked at Jack. Jack caught the message and walked out to grab Hammond's aide and order him to get Siler. He walked back into Hammond's office in time to catch Carter finish some thought with "--tracking down the materials."

"Is everything you need here on base?" Jack asked. "Please, tell me everything you need is here, because going out there..."

"Yes, sir," she confirmed. "It's all here, but..." She winced.

"What do you need, Sam?" Daniel asked. "It's not like we're doing anything else right now, we can fetch and carry."

She couldn't look at Daniel, and that should have been a clue right off, Jack realized less than a minute later as he dragged Daniel out of Hammond's office, promising him that they'd raid every printer, binder, map of California, and trash can for paper before they touched his books.

**

Jack made a brief pit-stop at the lab to drop a boxload of forms, releases, directives and more memos than could possibly be healthy on Carter and a stunned-looking Siler. Brief because he was holding off Daniel as discreetly as possible with a look and an elbow, and then, once the box was dropped, with two hands. Only a box because, as he said on his way out, there were three filled laundry bins headed this direction and how about he get the two of them out of the way, hm?

They were raiding the stores for more flora for the petting zoo when Daniel said for the fourteenth time: "Last resort, Jack. Last."

Jack patted him on the shoulder. "Yep, last resort. We've got a mountain full of now- and, really, always-useless crap to go through first." He tossed the last baggie of sunflower seeds in the duffle bag and decided to start for the door before he asked the question. "But you have them prioritized, right?"

It wasn't retreating as long as you were going the direction you wanted to go. They'd taught him that in basic.

**

Having apparently ruled out the obvious and simple solution in favor of civility, Teal'c was gently encouraging the chick to stop pecking at the rabbit's diminishing spread of sprouts and focus on his own pile of seeds. Jack's money was on the chicken.

Daniel was over in a huddled conversation with the moose, their backs to the rest of the room. They were probably drawing up a list of all the ways that he was making their lives difficult. Jack sort of hoped that was what they were doing. Lists were safe; plotting wasn't.

After one last headshake at Teal'c's little drama -- the chick didn't feel the need to play fair, and it was small and accurate enough to get in between Teal'c's fingers for at least one sprout on each foray -- Jack tipped his hat down so the brim was doing a better job of blocking out the overhead lights and closed his eyes.

He'd done a whole lot of nothing in the last 24 hours, other than almost getting transported into the side of this damn mountain and acquiring the headache from hell. That was...not right. He sighed and slumped a notch lower against the wall. Carter had it under control. She always had it under control, except for the times when she was trying to figure out how to get it under control. But now she was rolling along and cranking out little toys for everyone, Teal'c was happy with his little friends, Daniel was in a snit, and he himself was so completely useless that he was sitting here with nothing to do except nap. Shit.

Something soft and warm thumped against his leg. Jack raised his head just enough to catch the rabbit's eye as the little guy shuffled up to huddle against his knee. "Not worth the hassle, huh?" Jack asked it. The rabbit shuddered, a full-body twitch that started with its nose and radiated out from there. Once its ears were done shivering, Jack reached down and stroked its head. "It's okay. I've got spare sprouts in the bag."

A brisk knock came at the window in the door, giving them a moment's warning before it swung open and a vaguely familiar sergeant walked right over to Jack, stepping neatly around the Jaffa-chicken meeting in his path.

"General Hammond needs to see you in his office, sir."

The man -- Samuels, his nametag declared him -- delivered the message without once looking askance at any of the human-to-animal conversations going on around him, which was a heartening sign that all was not lost at the SGC. Dislodging the rabbit with a little shove, Jack pushed to his feet

"'You' as in me, or 'you' as in all of us?"

A little smirk. "He said, 'Go get me SG-1, without their friends.' Sir."

"Gotcha." Jack couldn't really blame Hammond for being a little cranky. "Okay, boys, break's over." Jack took a step over to pull Teal'c up, but he was already rising from the floor on his own. Daniel pulled away from his huddle long enough to say with a wave of his hand that he'd be right behind them, and after saying that he'd better be, there wasn't really anything else Jack could do...short of dragging Daniel along by the collar, an idea with its own appeal.

It wasn't dread settling in his stomach, no, Jack was sure of that. But, yeah. There might be plotting going on there.

**

"Reconnaissance?" Jack asked. He tried to hold it in, tried harder, but, "Yes!"

Hammond's lips thinned in that twitchy way that meant he was determined to not smile. Jack gave him a grin and Hammond sighed, a half-hearted attempt at sounding resigned. "We're going to need more room than is available at the alpha site if we're going to be moving as many people as the president believes. But we don't want to simply stumble in and take over someone else's world," he said.

"That would be most unfair, even if it were temporary," Teal'c said, looking a bit disturbed at the prospect of being an invasion.

"Usually, if a planet is uninhabited, there's a reason, though," Daniel pointed out.

"Yes," Jack immediately agreed, because, "Like big-ass bugs."

Hammond nodded and Daniel grimaced. Teal'c just looked ill. Jack caught his eye and shrugged an apology.

"Which is why the MALPs are already being sent out," Hammond said. "And you -- along with SG-5 and 7 if necessary -- are going to spread out and hit as many planets as possible in the next 12 hours." He looked over all three of them. "Go get yourselves ready, gentlemen. This is going to be thorough, but it's also going to have to be quick."

Jack straightened. "Yes, sir. Let us know when you've got the first one."

With a small bow and a distracted nod, Teal'c and Daniel headed out for their respective rooms and offices. Jack lingered in the doorway, though, and Hammond wasn't slow.

"I'll make sure they're all taken care of while you're gone, Jack," he said, only a little impatient.

"Thanks," Jack said. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to leave, then turned back like he'd just thought of something. "Check with Samuels. Seems like a good kid, and the rabbit likes him."

**

They managed to get a lock on one world that didn't present them with a frying pan-fire or sorta-invasion situation. When Jack mentioned that he thought they'd get at least two, Daniel pointed out that they were lucky to get a lock on anything considering the speed at which Earth was falling over on its side.

"Is that what's going on?" Jack asked as the stargate spun. A shadow at his feet made him look down. Nope, no animals, just a dangling bootlace. He bent over to deal with it.

"It's not actually falling," Daniel admitted. "More...tilting."

Jack straightened, eyebrows raised. "There's a difference?"

Daniel's hands went into some sort of complex twisting maneuver and his mouth opened with an explanation to go with it, no doubt. Jack stopped him with a pained look. "Never mind. So long as someone gets it."

There was something about their disaster was poking at him, though, demanding attention as Teal'c and his staff weapon walked in and took up position on Jack's right just as the 'gate went ka-woosh. The one-way 'gate.

Jack spun to look up at the control room. "We are going to be able to get back?" he demanded.

Hammond leaned forward to key the mic. "So long as you keep your visit to under an hour, colonel, you should be fine. They assure me that the shift in Earth's position isn't occurring that fast."

"And 'they' have never been wrong," Jack muttered. Wonderful. So why didn't he remember getting this deadline in the briefing?

"I've been waiting for their most conservative estimate," Hammond said, which was a little creepy since it was a great answer for the silent griping. Jack frowned. It had been silent, right? He looked at Teal'c, who just gave him a questioning eyebrow. Yeah, that was okay, then. "If we don't hear from you within an hour," Hammond continued, "we'll dial it up again from this side and radio you adjustments."

Jack hid his grimace by reaching up with both hands to bend his cap brim a little more thoroughly, then waved at the control room. "Okay. An hour. Don't break anything while we're gone."

"And keep Sam away from my office!" Daniel called, walking backwards up the ramp.

Jack pushed him through the shimmer.

**

Once he found his footing, Jack found himself standing on a stump.

"Who the hell plants trees in front of a stargate?" he wondered, turning slowly to survey the almost surgical damage to the forest surrounding them.

"Who the hell pushes people through a stargate?" Daniel complained from his sprawl between several sheared-off tree bottoms.

Jack looked down at him, shrugged -- Daniel knew the answer to that -- and offered a hand. "You're fine. You know how to roll."

Focused on the trees that were still standing, Teal'c put up a stiff hand, signaling for silence. Jack dropped down next to Daniel, weapon up and aimed at the large shadow that had appeared on the far side of the 'gate. It didn't move. But since it was significantly larger than a person and really damn shadowy, the standing still part wasn't all that comforting.

"I thought the MALP didn't detect any life," Daniel hissed.

"It didn't," Jack growled, mentally ticking off box No. 3 on the list of Things That Would Go Wrong. He motioned Teal'c to move around to the left and started his own slide to the right. Daniel, other than clicking off the safety on his sidearm, stayed put, thank god.

There was a subtle shift in the shadows, a step forward, and Jack moved faster as he heard--

"Don't shoot!" Daniel called out, rushing forward, but Jack was already standing and dropping his P-90 to point at the ground.

"Jesus! How'd you follow us?" he demanded as the moose stepped up to the 'gate and snorted again.

All three of them converged on the moose at the same time, and even Teal'c looked relieved. But still...

"Seriously, how did he know where we went?" Jack narrowed his eyes at Daniel. "Did you tell him?"

Daniel waved that question off and tilted his head to examine the moose, who had turned away to nibble on the greenery offered by a nearby branch. "When was I supposed to have done that?" he asked. Then he called something that caught the moose's attention again, and Jack fought off a shiver as Daniel went into a question that just kept going while the moose shook his head again and again and again.

His thumbs oh-so casually hooked on his vest, Jack finally cleared his throat. "Getting anywhere?" he asked mildly.

Daniel turned away from the moose, blinking. "No, not really."

"Did you expect you would?" Teal'c asked.

A little frown. "Maybe."

Jack dropped his head and studied the leaves scattered around the base of the 'gate. "Maybe we should be doing what we're here to do instead of babbling at the moose," he suggested while he still had his sanity. Looking up again, he arched an eyebrow at said moose. "Unless he's going to go exploring for us."

Teal'c nodded and lifted his weapon, preparing to head out whatever direction Jack pointed. After one last glance at the moose, who was looking around and checking out their little artificial clearing, Daniel brushed a hand over his head to knock out some of the stray branch tips that were stuck in his hair and adjusted his glasses. "I think he's happy to come along," he said.

"Isn't that just hunky dory?" Jack sighed and pointed them all west. "You can explain to him that, for now, he's going to be called 'Carter.'"

**

They actually ended up with the moose at point, popping ahead -- almost out of sight in between the multitude of trunks around them and the low light from the heavy foliage overhead -- to wait for them.

"Do you think he's leading us somewhere?" Daniel asked nine minutes later as they came even again.

"As long as it's not to our doom, I figure one direction is as good as another." Jack turned away to check... Yep, the trees were definitely thinner than back at the stargate. He could actually distinguish a shadow here and there instead of constant shade.

From the corner of his eye, Jack saw the moose toss his head, his antlers just missing the nearest trunk.

"He would not do that," Teal'c said, clearly perturbed by the suggestion.

"I would hope not," Jack said, giving the moose a look. "We fed him."

"Jack..."

A hoof pawed at the ground and the moose lowered his head, but there was a laughing glint in those brown eyes, so Jack only shook his head. "We're coming up on something. Teal'c."

Without question, Teal'c stepped around the moose and quickly blended into the shadows.

Keeping one hand on the moose's side, Daniel peered into the trees. "It looks like there might be a clearing or something up there."

"Or something." Jack caught the moose's gaze. The big guy blinked, not looking at all worried. "Well," Jack said, waving Daniel to walk in front of him, "let's go find out."

"O'Neill!"

That wasn't Teal'c's "get your ass over here" shout, so Jack didn't run, exactly. He could hear the moose rumbling through the trees, hot on their heels, though.

"What did you--?" Jack skidded, throwing up a hand that didn't do much to shield his eyes from the flash that hit them as they burst free of the trees. "Fuck!"

"Whoa..."

Blinking rapidly, Jack tried to clear away the dark spots that were making it hard to see anything, much less whatever got that awed tone out of Daniel. Awed, he repeated to himself as he felt Daniel grab his arm and steady him, not afraid. "What the hell was that?"

"It is a lake, O'Neill."

Jack blinked again and turned toward the dark blob that was turning into Teal'c. "With what? A spotlight?"

There was a snort from beside him. He thought it came from Daniel. Jack didn't stop to check, though, because the world beyond Teal'c was beginning to come into existence and it was still pretty bright, but the blue. "Holy shit."

"It's as clear as the Caribbean, but...it's a lake," Daniel said, letting go of Jack's arm so he could make his way over the pale sand toward the edge of the water. "The bottom has to drop off, just past that line out there where it turns that--"

They all jumped at the deep bellow that rang through the air as the moose rushed past them and hit the lake with a mighty splash, hardly slowing even when he was tail-deep in the water.

Daniel started sputtering about dirt and crystal and-and fleas, and Jack just laughed. "We would have known about the fleas," he said, giving Daniel a comforting pat on the shoulder. "But can you blame him? Hell, I'd dive in if it wouldn't take too damn long to strip."

"As would I."

Teal'c had a small, kind of wistful smile on his face as he waded out into the sparkling lake, holding his weapon high when the water line hit his knees. The picture of Teal'c cavorting in the waves set up by the moose, with nothing on but his pants, popped into Jack's head and Jack just stood there for a moment, thinking about it, wondering if he should continue laughing. Cavorting Jaffa, funny, but...

"It does look tempting," Daniel said, a grin blooming as the moose dropped out of sight right at that line between the aqua and deep blue, then surfaced with a snorting spray that scattered water everywhere.

Just like that, Daniel replaced Teal'c and, yes, that was okay. That was more than okay, actually, Jack realized as picture-Daniel suddenly lost his pants.

Not even attempting to resist, Jack leaned over to put his mouth next to Daniel's ear and suggest, "Skinny dipping?"

Instead of turning on him, eyes wide, Daniel slanted a mischievous look his way. "Sure," he said.

Jack felt his mouth drop open. The clack of his teeth coming together when he snapped it shut again echoed through his skull.

"But," Daniel shook his head with a tsk and a disappointed grimace, "I don't really think Teal'c would buy us sending him though the 'gate first."

Jack didn't dare say anything. Stuttering wasn't good for the command image.

"Time to return to the SGC and give Hammond the good news, I think," Daniel smirked.

**

"Back safe and sound I see, colonel."

"Never doubted it for a minute, sir," Jack said, putting on a solemn expression as Hammond came up to the base of the ramp to meet them. "Half a minute, tops."

"And the moose?" Hammond asked, eyes narrowed.

Oh boy. "Noticed he was gone, huh?"

Hammond gave them all a tight smile. "Even Sergeant Samuels was a mite disturbed to have a 1,200-pound animal disappear from right in front of him."

"Yeah. Sorry about--"

"General Hammond?" Davis called urgently over the microphone.

Hammond took one look at the black phone in the sergeant's hand and his eyes closed in resignation. "It came back with you?"

Daniel stepped forward and, before Jack could stop him, offered up, "Not through the stargate." Jack grimaced, and Daniel frowned back at him and added, "Obviously."

With a deep sigh, Hammond opened his eyes and gestured toward the door. "Why don't you two gentlemen check on Samuels and the moose while Colonel O'Neill tells me about what you found."

Jack watched enlightenment dawn as to the thinness of Hammond's patience at that moment. "Right," Daniel said. Jack cocked his head when Daniel not-so-subtly nudged Teal'c toward the gateroom door. "We'll just...go...do that." Teal'c gave Hammond a rushed nod and they ducked out of the room together.

"Thank you, Dr. Jackson," Hammond murmured. Then he turned back to Jack and waited, conspicuously not asking.

Jack smiled. "It's no Taj Mahal, but we found paradise."

**

Carter was looking a little frazzled and her hair had definitely seen better days, ones when it wasn't doing its best not to touch her skull. Siler looked like he needed a bar full of drinks, and would provide plenty of woe to anyone coming between him and falling over.

Jack, after that one look, considered just walking by.

"Sir! You're back."

Damn. "Yes. Indeed." Jack sucked it up and took that step into the lab. Ignoring the way Siler's eyes lit up as he slowly straightened with a hand pressed to his back, Jack casually looked around, fixing on the empty bins stacked and shoved into the far corner. "Unless you've hidden them in there, where're Daniel and Teal'c?"

"Hidden?" Carter checked over her shoulder, trying to look where he was looking. "No, we..." She shook her head, dismissing his question, completely out of hand, he thought. Turning back, she absently took a half-finished device out of Siler's very loose grasp. "So did you find a planet that can serve as a staging area?" she asked, bending over the table again.

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Oh yes. In fact, I'm tempted to never make it to the alpha site." He looked up from Carter's bent head and frowned. What was Siler doing?

"Mm-hm?" Carter mumbled. "Really."

How had she possibly noticed he was outside her door? "Yeah." As he mouthed, "What?" at Siler, the other man jerked his head to the right and...oh. Jack nodded and gave him a little shooing handwave. "Yeah," Jack said, trying to keep what little of Carter's attention wasn't on the transporter thing on him instead of the man fleeing her presence. "The moose and I are ready to settle down. Have a little clearing all picked out. Daniel and Teal'c are going to shack up across the way."

"Oh, good." She reached for something that her hand didn't find and straightened, scowling at the spot that used to hold Siler. "Where's Siler?"

Jack stuck his hands -- hands that hadn't done anything, not really -- in his pockets and shrugged. "He said something about needing a bathroom break."

Her eyes narrowed.

"Maybe it's time to get you some food," Jack suggested.

**

Teal'c, it turned out, was in the mess. Daniel, however, was not.

Happy to have real food instead of, well, rabbit food -- even if it was just spaghetti -- Jack didn't say anything until Carter had taken the first bite of her egg salad.

"You check on the moose?"

"He is fine, O'Neill."

"The moose went with you?" Carter asked through a mouthfull.

Teal'c lowered his mug and raised an eyebrow.

"She's been a little distracted," Jack told him.

That got a slow blink of comprehension from Teal'c and a frown from Carter.

"What?"

"You're very good at focusing, Carter." Jack gave her a nod. "It's to be commended."

Her frown deepened. She put her sandwich down. "You took the moose with you?"

"See?" Jack pointed with his fork. "Like that. Focus."

"The moose followed us without our knowledge," Teal'c said, before draining the rest of his tea and, after a slight hesitation, he got up to go after a refill.

Keeping an eye on Carter's thinking-frown, Jack went back to his spaghetti. Warm food. Cooked food. Never a thing to be downplayed. Teal'c came back, with two pieces of apple pie, and Jack snagged one. Teal'c's mouth set.

"You should have brought three," Jack told him. Teal'c sighed.

"It knew where you'd gone?" Carter blurted out. Jack looked over at her as she dropped the uneaten corners of her sandwich to her plate. "It knew what planet, out of all the planets out there, you'd gone to?"

"You know, we never did get to the bottom of that one," Jack mused.

"It is possible that Sergeant Samuels mentioned our destination in the moose's presence," Teal'c offered, and pulled the rest of Jack's spaghetti toward himself. Since that was a fair trade, Jack didn't protest.

"How?" Carter laid her hands flat on either side of her tray and leaned in, a line forming between her brows that spoke loudly of an idea that she did not like. "There's no way that the designation was going to mean anything to the moose. And that's the only thing--" She cocked her head, that line growing stronger. "Who's Samuels?"

"Like I said," Jack said, and offered up a really half-assed attempt at a smile when Carter turned on him.

"What exactly have you been doing while I've been working my ass off trying to get as many of these devices made as humanly possible?" she demanded, and hearing that tone in her voice, that little edge of about to go from demanding to snapping, Jack decided it was time to put and end to this moment of what was supposed to be relaxation.

"Trying to find a viable alternate home, major," he said firmly. She pulled back, blinking. Then opened her mouth, and Jack cut off what he was sure was going to be an apology.

"You were busy, as you say, doing everything you can to contribute to making sure we have a future. So were we. That's it." He shook his head at her slight wince. "And now that you have something more in you than coffee, you're going to go back to that, and we're going to go find Daniel."

"Yes, sir." Looking only slightly less tired than before, Carter pushed back from the table and picked up her tray. Two steps away from the table, she turned back. "Find Daniel?"

"Hammond wants him to stick with the moose now, but he's not with the moose. He wasn't in your lab, and he's also not here."

"Did you check his office?"

Jack started to say yes, then paused. It was possible, he realized, that he was also a little off his game.

A small smile appeared on Carter's face. "He's probably packing up or hiding all of his books. Sir."

Jack eyed her. "Did you threaten his books again?"

"I never did in the first place!" she protested. "You were the one that brought up that connection."

"Yes. Fine." Jack pointed a finger at Teal'c. "Stop smirking, T."

"I am not smirking, O'Neill."

Jack waggled the finger. "Others might buy that, but not me. I know that look, and it is not an innocent one."

Teal'c's eyebrow climbed ever higher.

**

Daniel and his books. If you replaced the "his" with a "the," it was almost a great name for a...very uninteresting rock band. One with a xylophone, possibly. Nah. Jack tossed out the xylophone and put in a triangle. That was more like it.

"What are you smirking at?"

Jack blinked, then widened his eyes at Daniel and the many boxes surrounding the two of them. "Nothing. Hey, you planning on being done any time soon?"

Daniel squinted, the suspicion pursing his lips not at all lessened by the automatic nature of the action.

Jack offered up a close-mouthed smile and did his best to not even know what "smirking" meant.

"Look." Daniel heaved a sigh. "I want to get this last set boxed up, and then I'll come and play with the moose with you."

Jack straightened away from the bookcase. "Hold on there. It's not playing, it's--"

"Babysitting?"

"Moose-sitting," Jack countered.

Now that look? The one where Daniel's mouth stayed slightly open after sucking in a quick breath, both eyebrows went aaaall the way up, and then, to top it off, there was squinting? That was "I shouldn't go there, but..."

And if you waited it out...

Daniel nodded, then closed his mouth and continued to nod as he turned away.

Jack clamped his jaw shut before he ended up gaping like an idiot.

Completely ignoring the not-rightness of his actions, Daniel slid the book in his hand neatly into a box that shouldn't have been able to hold another paperclip. Then, still silent and apparently entirely unconcerned about the universe's imminent implosion due to nature not being followed, he pulled two books off the other bookcase. When that knocked over a little wooden female figurine with troll doll hair and a serene face, Jack was about to let out a happy sigh of relief...but Daniel snagged the damn doll neatly with his left hand before it toppled off the shelf.

Okay. That was it.

"Daniel?"

"Hm?" Daniel swiveled and pulled a journal from the middle of another pile of books, dropped it into another box.

Jack blew out a frustrated breath. "Are you trying to drive me nuts?" he asked.

Daniel looked over his shoulder at him, eyes wide. "Are you going nuts?"

A tight smile. "Sorta."

"Hm." Daniel nodded. "Okay."

Jack counted it a victory that when he dropped his forehead against the side of the bookshelf that was conveniently right there within head-dropping range, he didn't jab himself in the eye with the troll princess' ugly brother.

**

After the third time that the moose flickered out and in, this time almost going completely see-through, Jack threw his right arm around Daniel's shoulders and observed, "I think maybe he's bored."

With a twitch of his tail, the moose pinned Jack with a look that sounded an awful lot like, I think maybe you're only kind of stupid. Then he turned his back on them to stand over the rabbit, which was curled in on itself, hind legs twitching with his bunny dreams. A little fluff of yellow poked out from the middle of the fuzzball, Jack noticed, so everyone was accounted for.

As for the moose...granted, there wasn't much wiggle room, but Jack tilted his head to see how Daniel had interpreted that look. He was confronted by closed eyes and a pained expression.

"Hey." Jack squeezed Daniel closer and waited to see the tired blue blink open before he took in the leftover food and twisted lump of plastic that used to be a contraband beach ball with a sweep of his hand. "We've been trying, haven't we?"

"How much longer, Jack?"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You need to get home to spiffy up for a hot date?"

"No," Daniel said with a little glare. "No offense, but I think he's ready to go home. Why are we keeping him here if his presence alone is more likely to give Hammond that coronary that's building than the president's, and Sam's already got the secret of how to become your own I Dream of Jeannie spin-off?"

"How long'd you spend thinking that Jeannie one up?" Jack asked, only kind of envious.

"Not long." Daniel slanted a look his way. "It's Siler's."

"Really?" Huh. "We have to get him to talk more often," Jack decided.

"Jack...the moose..." Daniel prompted.

Jack checked on the door, but still no signal that they were all free to go. He looked at his watch. Daniel was right; this had gone on long enough.

"C'mere," he said, guiding Daniel over toward the moose. "I'm only going to say this once."

"Uh-oh," Daniel muttered.

"Nothing dire," Jack assured him. When Daniel pulled back, Jack didn't even need to see the look before he tugged him closer again and amended it to, "Nothing more dire."

"For us or for the moose?"

"Hey. For anybody." Jack glared, offended and a little hurt. "I just don't want to have to remind you what to say when you translate."

The moose was eyeing them as they approached, poised like he was about to flicker out again. Jack had to admit that he couldn't really say that he knew why the big guy wasn't just disappearing altogether. And now that he was wondering about that...

Daniel was giving him an expectant look, but Jack said, "Ask him why he's sticking around, would you?"

"Why?" Daniel frowned.

"Yeah, why."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "No, why should I ask?"

"Because I told you to," Jack offered, semi-sarcastically. When all he got from Daniel was a look of And how often has that line gotten results? Jack allowed, "Because if I were him, I wouldn't be hanging here."

"Right," Daniel scoffed. Then a warm smile broke through and, as Jack stared at it, Daniel reached out to place his hand over Jack's heart. "Yes, you would."

The warmth of Daniel's hand went right through Jack shirt, his skin, everything, to settle right in his chest. But it was the knowing look in Daniel's eyes that tightened Jack's throat. "Yeah, okay," he managed.

While the smile deepened, all Daniel said was, "So why don't I not offend the moose by thinking any less of him, and you tell us what's going on?"

Jack opened his mouth. When nothing came out, he took a step back so that Daniel's hand fell back to his side. And then he cleared his throat. "Okay. Right. Yes, he's our backup, our failsafe, our 'in case of emergency.' Although," Jack turned to the moose, "I'm glad that you don't have any glass we have to break to get to you."

The moose slowly blinked and let out a questioning "huhff" sound.

"That's it?" Daniel asked, his eyes searching Jack's face.

"Yep." Jack spread his hands. "What? You wanted a conspiracy?"

"No, I--" Daniel shook his head. "Okay. But I'm going to leave that last bit out. Frankly, while the concept translates to Swedish, I'm not entirely sure that it translates to alien teleporting moose culture."

"Hey, your call," Jack told him.

When the last bit of the translation was nothing but a memory rolling through the room, the moose looked right at Jack and sniffed the sort of unimpressed sniff where if he'd had a dress, Jack was sure the moose would've flounced.

**

When Hammond himself appeared at the door, Jack did his best to pop to his feet -- he didn't stumble, so he counted that a win, if not a success -- and asked: "Am I happy to see you, sir, or should I be kissing this life goodbye?"

Teal'c, entering right behind, managed to look more disturbed than Hammond.

Jack thought back over what he said (no, didn't say "my ass," good) and elaborated, "Just a little surprised to see you, general." He offered a smile and resisted the need to press both hands to the small of his back; it was easier to count the muscles that didn't ache after two hours on a concrete floor.

Realization passed quickly over Hammond's face before his expression settled back into tense-but-managing. "Major Carter is overseeing the final evacuations, colonel. There isn't anyone else."

"Sam got them all out, already? Everyone?" Daniel asked from the floor.

"Not the entire planet, no, doctor," Hammond said with a grim smile. "But the design of the transportation devices has been passed on to officials in Washington and they, thankfully, are responsible for the rest. In the meantime, we--" Hammond's glance included-but-didn't-include the moose and his pals, Jack noted. "--are the last people in the SGC, and I do believe it's finally time to leave."

Daniel frowned and waved away Jack's offer of a hand to help him up before shifting the sluggish rabbit off his lap. Blinking lazily, it stretched in one of those animal-only, spine-extending moves, then shuffled over to huddle against Teal'c's foot. Completely unfazed, Teal'c graced the fuzzball with a smile.

Ignoring that, Daniel rose with about as much grace as the time he'd broken his leg, wincing and shaking out his right foot. Jack's eyes narrowed. First thing, or as first as they could get, they were ditching humanity and taking that soak in the lake, even if he had to threaten to shoot people.

Forcing a smile, he turned to Teal'c.

"You got the little ones?" he asked.

"I have saved a box," Teal'c said with a satisfied look. "With a lid."

**

No one said anything about anyone not showing up at the other end, and he trusted Carter to speak up on something like that, so Jack locked the transporter on his left wrist. It was heavy on his arm when he bent down and picked up the duffel bag at his feet, and when he straightened, he rolled his shoulders to settle the pack on his back and refused to take a last look around the gateroom. Wouldn't do any good, and besides, he'd be able to describe its every inch until the day he managed to cram enough new stuff into his brain to push that out. He wasn't thinking about anything on Earth, actually. No, not thinking. Most of what he wanted off Earth, was. Sara. Cassie. They'd each gotten a couple of "family" passes; he'd given his three extras to Mackenzie. And here he was, really not thinking about any of those things that weren't going to be on Earth much--

"Ready?" Daniel asked.

"Oh yeah." Jack took a deep breath. "Let's get the hell out of here."

"Did you inform the moose of our departure?"

Jack tilted his head toward Teal'c.

Teal'c's eyebrow went up, like he was surprised that he'd asked, too. Without another word, he nodded and snapped his own transporter into place.

About to give the order to hit the button that didn't exist, Jack paused.

"Why the gateroom?" he asked, then shook his head at Daniel's questioning frown. "It's not like we need to use the gate," he pointed out. "Hell, the gate isn't even here, any more."

"Point of reference, I think." Daniel shrugged. "Sam said to do it from here. If you want to argue, be my guest. I will, hopefully, see you there."

Jack pursed his lips. Thought about that whole reappearing in the side of the mountain possibility. "Right. Okay, away we go."

Daniel nodded, and he and his box, bags, and solemn expression disappeared. Teal'c and his passengers were right behind.

Jack couldn't help it. It was gray, it was cold, it echoed as only a military bunker could. After one last 360, he held his breath and touched the smooth surface of the device.

**

They didn't see the moose for three days. It was a little nerve-wracking, to tell the truth. Sure, he wasn't going to get stuck any where -- was that even possible? -- but if he wasn't there, and he wasn't here, where the hell was he?

"Again, what makes you think I have any idea?" Daniel muttered, not even bothering to look up from his journal.

"Well, you don't know." Jack took the two steps to the pine-type tree. "I don't know." Two steps, and he was back in front of their tent. "But somebody has to know!" he almost shouted, throwing his arms wide to take in the forest and all the people who were over in some other part of it; this was SG-1's corner of the still-in-one-piece universe, thank god and Hammond.

"I bet the moose does."

Jack quickly crouched down in front of Daniel and snatched his pen away. Daniel grabbed, but Jack just leaned back and narrowed his eyes at him. "Not funny."

Dropping his own eyes, Daniel let out a long sigh and closed the small book. When he arched his back, Jack heard the muffled crackling of joints and almost apologized. But Daniel looked up, frowned.

"I'm sure he's fine, Jack," he said quietly. "You saw him when we got here..."

"For about two seconds, yeah," Jack grumbled.

"We're not his entire life, you know," Daniel said with a rough chuckle. "He knows we're safe. He's probably been missing his own home. Or, he did sort of save...well, not the world, but us, certainly. So, maybe he went to his version of Disney World."

Jack snorted out a laugh and tossed the pen. Daniel caught it and promptly lobbed it back. Shaking his head, Jack shoved to his feet to get back to that groove he was wearing in the ground.

"Okay, fine," he allowed. The moose had a life. The moose...maybe he had a family. Jack snorted again. Of course he had a family, it wasn't like "Just add water and presto, instant moose." So, now that they had finally figured out how not to kill themselves, he was off doing...whatever it was that he did, sure, that made sense, but... "But he could, I dunno, pop by?"

Daniel snagged his hand as he swung past again, and Jack grimaced but didn't look down. Instead, he scrubbed his free hand over his face.

"I'm going stir crazy," he admitted. "I need something to do. Anything. I'll chop down more trees. I'll plant more trees. I'll--"

When Daniel tugged the third time -- yanked, actually -- Jack folded down next to him on the fallen tree, ready to argue. But Daniel didn't say anything. He only sat there and held on to Jack's hand. Not squeezing, not caressing, just...holding on.

Jack closed his eyes against the sunshine and the mess of voices in the distance. And since the Jaffa'n'friends show was due back from the lake any time now, Jack did his best to ignore the voice that had suddenly gotten a hold of a megaphone inside his head and that was now ordering him to grab Daniel and head for the tent, because gee, they knew some ways to not be bored, didn't they?

Ignoring, Jack swore, and pulled in a really, really deep breath.

"They'll get us sorted into the Alpha site's rotation in a couple of days," Daniel said, coaxing, Jack knew. "This is supposed to be a bit of a vacation, a reward, Hammond said."

Jack tried not to growl in frustration, but come on. "They seem to find plenty of things for Carter to do," he grumbled. "And like I said, I'll take that vacation once we're all--"

He fell forward, shoved, just catching himself on his hands and avoiding a faceplant in the dirt.

The chuckle that came with the shove, Jack realized, was way too snuffly to be Daniel.

"Wow, nice timing," Daniel was saying as Jack scrambled to his feet and almost got beaned by a moose antler.

"Okay, see, we're gonna have to work out a phone number for you or something," Jack got out through a huge grin, and he didn't lunge forward and hug the big lug who was standing there with twinkling eyes.

A facefull of moose-breath, as the moose cocked his head and snorted, helped considerably on that count.

THE END

Return to my Stargate stories