TITLE: Left and Centered
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
ARCHIVE: Ask, please.
RATING: PG-13
POSTED: Nov. 13, 2004
NOTES: Written as part of a series of snippets. For Tafkar, who requested Firefly and "abandonment issues."
DISCLAIMER: Read
Kaylee lies in her bunk when she thinks, and she keeps her eyes shut. It's not often that there's the chance for thinking about things that her hands aren't doing, so there are things stored up.
She ain't never been left. She's done the leaving, but she's never been the one holding on. There's never been anyone to hold on to, not really, not until Serenity and the Captain and Zoe'n'Wash and... Serenity. That says it all, now, doesn't it? She's all of them, and they become hers, if she wants. But until she came along, there'd never been anyone for Kaylee, and no one holding on to her, not true in their heart. She left the folks where she'd been born without trouble, that's for sure. 'Course, anyone with more brain than Jayne would want to leave that rock -- the dream of leaving, looking at the sky, 'specially at night, that's the thing that kept her believing in dreams long past dreams dying all around her. But she wouldn't've left there if her folks had needed her to stay by them. That's not a right thing. Sometimes it's embarrassing to think back on how quickly she jumped when the Captain offered, but what he gave, what she's got, it's so good it'll make her grin and throw her arms around the nearest bit.
The Captain, he expects leaving. It's there in the way he keeps telling other folks to go, "reinforcing his abandonment issues." 'Least that's what 'Nara said. Then she said that she's sticking until he stops being surprised that she does. Kaylee didn't know what to say to something like that until 'Nara laughed and said she'd likely stick past then, too, because it's not all about the Captain.
Zoe and Wash, they've got each other. It makes Kaylee sigh sometimes, when it's not leaving her giggling because Wash is stuttering or babbling and making Zoe laugh. Zoe might need to hold onto the Captain, too, but Kaylee thinks she'd let go if push came to a hard shove in the back.
The Shepherd is someone who's been doing a lot of leaving. That'd be Kaylee guess. Not before -- then he had people, lots of 'em, because a shepherd needs a flock in order to be what he is -- but folks like him don't usually get left. Not usually.
Jayne, well, he'd probably shoot first if someone tried. And then he'd leave.
Kaylee lies there, on her back, breathing with Serenity. A little softer, maybe. But she's breathing and thinking, and finally thinks about the why of why she's thinking.
It's looking at River, at the way she trembles like that, like she's gonna try shaking until she shakes all the bits and pieces of Serenity loose and she floats like her own ship, free of the planets. Kaylee looks at River and wonders what would it be like, not to be centered when one person leaves. She knows there's more to the two of them -- to the man who makes her stomach flip and the girl who can talk to Serenity, too -- 'cause things with people ain't never that simple. But still, Kaylee wonders. Would it be worth all those blank moments and the shakes that turn lips blue, just to be lighting up bright enough to shine like a new star when a miracle occurs and Simon comes back?
**
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