TITLE: The Card Got Lost in the Mail
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
RATING: PG-13 with a smidgen of R
POSTED: Aug. 27, 2004
NOTES: For Carolyn Claire's b-day, for which she asked: "Something with Mooshee! A very Mooshee birthday! With, um, J/D lovin'. Maybe a little Swedish pillow talk? Heh, yeah. Jack's birthday. Whoo!" I, uh, yeah. I satisfied all of those requests. Right. This is, by the way, not connected in any fashion to the apocamooshee story. Smooches: To Salieri, for being the cutie that she is, and for going all English-teacher on that bit at the end.
DISCLAIMER: Read

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The rain stopped chattering at the window well before Daniel let out a long sigh. "We really need to start hurting people who get in the way of us being on Earth for your birthday," he said, the contented words slightly muffled, probably due to being spoken into the pillow beneath him.

"Mm-hm." Jack's heart was no longer straining like it was determined to pound hard enough for Daniel to feel the thumps, thank god, so Jack sucked in a deep bracing breath and slid off Daniel. He didn't make it all the way off -- his right leg was still caught somewhere between other legs and twisted sheets, and Daniel's elbow was poking at his stomach -- but Daniel wasn't complaining and Daniel would complain, so...good enough.

Neither of them said much after that, and almost-asleep was an extremely comfortable state to be in, Jack thought. He was thinking that thinking was likely what was keeping him from totally-asleep when a full-body shudder ran through Daniel.

"Whasmattr?" Jack squeezed Daniel's arm, kind of hoping Daniel was going to reach down for the blanket. Then his eyes popped open as Daniel shoved up onto his hands and knees, cruelly removing all heat sources from the vicinity.

Instead of apologizing, Daniel shuddered again. "Wet spot from hell," he muttered.

Jack looked down and frowned at the stain that, yes, was there on the sheets, just south of where his hand was and right where Daniel had collapsed when Jack had collapsed on top of him. Propping his head on his hand, Jack raised his eyebrows. "Just lie back down before it gets cold and clammy, you'll forget about it and fall asleep. Wouldn't be the first time."

A violent headshake voiced Daniel's rejection before he did. "I noticed. And then I couldn't stop noticing."

"Like when Teal'c gets a little smirk during a briefing and you can't figure out why, and then, now that you've started wondering, you can't stop trying to figure it out?"

Daniel's head tilted to the side, his mouth opening and shutting, and he finally croaked, "What?"

Jack waved his free hand. "Never mind. It's in your head now, hm?"

"Yeah, I--" Daniel's face drew tight in a confused frown. "I guess that's it."

"Okay, look, there's a simple solution." Jack glanced at the sheets again and...hold on. He jabbed a finger at the mess. "While it'd be nice to claim that, that's not all me," he said.

Daniel's frown deepened before he dropped his head down between his arms. When he looked up, a smug smile was flirting with his mouth and he blinked lazily at Jack. "You're that good?" he offered.

Jack shook his head and flopped backwards, away from the proof of only god knew what; his prowess, Daniel's age, the universe's grudge against clean bedding. His hands clenched on the pillow and he considered putting it over his head and falling asleep anyway. "Jesus."

The bed bounced; Daniel doing whatever he had to do to get off without touching the spot and also somehow, if sound was anything to go by, without falling on the floor. But a moment later, he was tugging on Jack's arm.

"What now?" Jack moaned. He was allowed to moan, right? It was -- he turned his head and checked the clock on the bedside table, ignoring Daniel's eyerolling -- still his birthday. For another half hour.

"Unless we're going to try that sleeping on top of each other thing that you suggested on P4X-923, you need to get off the bed," Daniel said.

Jack let out a disgruntled sigh and gave in, sitting up and swinging his legs off over the side. "You're changing the sheets," he informed Daniel.

"Yes, yes." Daniel's hand waved, cycling ever-more impatiently when Jack just looked at him. "Look at it this way: The faster you get up, the faster I can change the sheets, and the faster you can lie down again."

"Unless I go lie down on the couch," Jack pointed out.

Daniel dismissed that with a nose-scrunch while Jack stood and tried to glare. "Too short," Daniel said, "and you know it."

"Shoulda gone for the big blue one," Jack muttered. Damn it, he knew he was being...cranky, but it had almost, almost, been a birthday without anything or anyone breaking, blowing up or otherwise going to hell without the convenience of a handbasket.

With a chuckle, Daniel leaned in and captured Jack's mouth, short-circuiting the grumble. When he pulled back, his tongue taking one last slick swipe over Jack's bottom lip, Jack's hands were gripping Daniel's elbows.

"Go find the rest of the cookies, and by the time you get back we can get crumbs all over a new set of sheets," Daniel promised.

"'kay," Jack said agreeably.

But all the same, he slid one hand up to tangle in the hair at Daniel's nape. He was pulling Daniel and his growing grin back toward him when a rush of air washed over them, raising goosebumps everywhere. On autopilot, Jack spun, but even before he completed the spin his mouth was hanging open.

"What the hell?" Daniel asked behind him.

A low befuddled rumble came from the large antlered animal ducking his head to avoid knocking out the ceiling.

Jack started at the moose and he was trying, he really was, but...what was he supposed to say, besides, "Um, hi?"

"Hi?" Daniel scoffed, but the moose didn't care about etiquette. His head bent and, before Jack even processed the possibility, he took a hunk of Jack's hair in his teeth.

"Oookay!" Jack took a huge step back and yelped at the sharp pain. "Leggo!" he ordered, batting at the moose's nose.

With a startled grunt, the moose opened his mouth. Jack fell back and sat down, bouncing on the bed and rubbing the wet spot that was now on his head.

"Um..." Daniel said, and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Tell him he can't be here!" Jack almost shouted, which was understandable, he thought. There was, after all, a moose in his bedroom and, when you got down to that basic level, it didn't particularly matter if the moose was a sort of friend.

Daniel's eyebrows went up toward his hairline and, after a pause, his hand went down to his side. But Jack could still see the traces of a snicker in the twitching of Daniel's lips. He had no problem dredging up a glare this time.

Daniel hurriedly forced a more solemn expression.

"Yes," he said. "Of course." He cleared his throat and, looking awfully formal for someone who was butt naked, said, "Hej, älg."

The moose's head turned away from where he was gazing mournfully at Jack and tracked around to focus on Daniel. Jack sighed in relief. Yes, he'd been pretty sure, because how many moose did he know, really? But good, same moose.

"Gå sin kos," Daniel continued.

The moose shook his head and Jack winced as the tips of the antlers scraped against the ceiling, dragging dark smudge marks behind them. Hell, painting ceilings was such a bitch, he thought.

Daniel cocked his own head. "Böra," he said, a hard and stubborn edge coming into his voice.v A shiver went through Jack as Daniel continued in that same tone. With one of those truly sinking feelings, Jack looked down. Well, damn. He snatched up the pillow he'd left behind and casually placed it over his lap.

The beginnings of an erection around Daniel? Normal. Around a moose? Yeah, his mind wasn't going there and he really wished his body wasn't either.

The moose snorted and Daniel let out a huff of irritation. "He's not listening," he said tightly.

"Yes, I can see that." Jack waved a hand, because just waving it pretty much waved it at the moose. "Even if he's fuzzy on the concept of not having an invitation, he's figured out that he doesn't fit the room, right?"

The phone rang. Jack and Daniel both jolted. The moose gave a sharp bellow, one that sounded more worried than startled.

"Who's calling at this hour?" Daniel asked.

"I don't know. I don't care," Jack said, grabbing the receiver and slapping a hand over the mouthpiece. "Get him to shut up!"

Daniel barked something, and that caught the moose's attention. Jack held his breath for a ten-count, checking the carrying quality of Daniel's murmuring and the moose's little moans. Not silent, but... Jack took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself and brought the phone to his ear.

"What?" he snapped. So, not much luck with the calming.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

Jack blinked. "General Hammond." And...he had no clue where to go from there, other than to stare at Daniel's equally shocked expression.

"Thank goodness I reached you, colonel," Hammond continued, sparing Jack from brain-strain. "I know you have the night off and, again, happy birthday, but there has been a slight--" Hammond coughed and Jack frowned. That hadn't been a real cough. "Colonel," Hammond said. "Do you remember...the moose? The animal that the Tok'ra kindly took off our hands?"

Jack blinked again.

"Colonel?"

What does he want? Daniel mouthed.

"Yes, sir." Jack didn't try to hold back the sigh. "I remember the moose quite clearly."

Daniel's mouth dropped open and one hand went up, like he was testing the reality of Jack's words. The moose voiced a full-throated quizzical noise.

"Is that--?" Hammond said something else, but it was muffled, so Jack pressed the phone closer to his ear. "Is that the moose?" Hammond asked, loud and clear.

Having yanked the phone an inch away, a second too late, Jack transferred it to his left hand.

"Yes, sir. He's...in my bedroom."

"Yes, Davis, I understand. I'll let the colonel know," Hammond said.

Jack dropped his head onto the palm of his right hand. He didn't care. Really. Really and truly.

"Whatever it is that you understand, would you mind not letting me know, sir?" Jack asked, pleading for any scrap of mercy he could get. "Forget the raise, consider that your birthday present to me."

Hammond chuckled. "It's not that bad, Jack," he said gently.

Jack just shook his head, half-listening to Daniel going back to trying to talk the moose into getting the hell out of his house. Feeling himself beginning to harden again, despite having good old George on the phone -- and even thinking that didn't help -- Jack groaned.

"Seriously, Jack, I only called to tell you that the moose appeared in the 'gate room at 22:30," Hammond said. "It must have finally realized that Teal'c is the only member of SG-1 here at the moment, because it disappeared again about half an hour ago. We spent twenty minutes establishing that it wasn't anywhere else on the base, but then Dr. Fraiser guessed that he would try to track you down."

With a sigh, Jack raised his head to once again take in the war of wills being quietly waged in front of him. "Well, give the doc the gold star. He found me."

"Yes." Hammond chuckled again.

"Really not all that amusing, sir," Jack told him. Daniel broke off to add an emphatic nod and then went back to whispering to the moose.

"Be that as it may, colonel, might I suggest that you -- yes, Walter, thank you, I'm about to tell him -- that you give Dr. Jackson a call and have him help you convince the moose to go back to the Tok'ra," Hammond offered. "Kill two birds with one stone, since I suspect that Jackson is the moose's next stop."

Jack pressed the heel of his hand to the bridge of his nose and just held it there for a moment, trying to squash the threatening headache. "Yes," he finally said. "Yes, that's probably a good idea. Thank you, sir."

Daniel was frowning again, brows pulled tight, when Jack carefully hung up the phone.

"What's a good idea?" Daniel asked.

"Getting you over here to help me with my moose problem," Jack said. "Something that, had the general known what a piss poor job you're doing of it so far, is actually rather amusing."

Daniel's grumpy scowl at that lightened Jack's mood, a little, but then the moose poked his nose in again and nudged Daniel's shoulder.

Throwing his hands in the air, Daniel spun on the moose and growled, "Look, you can come to the base tomorrow, just...go. Now."

Even though that burst of frustration had come out in perfectly understandable English, the moose pulled his head back and, to Jack's surprise, turned to him.

"What?" Jack snapped, which he hadn't meant to do, but, oh hell. "It's nice to see you again," he offered, "but...not now, not here." He shook his head and grumbled, "I'm just here to get laid and fall asleep. That's all I wanted out of tonight. Not all that much to ask, I thought."

That got a snort from Daniel.

The moose blinked those enormous eyes and took another step toward the bed.

Jack threw up a hand, halting the forward progress. "I have no idea what you want," Jack told him, enunciating each word to make sure the message got through. "And I'm really not in the mood to figure it out right now."

The moose hung his head and his whole frame sagged with it. Jack grimaced, getting the distinct impression that he'd just grounded a toddler for toddling. "Ah, shit."

"Uh, Jack." Daniel coughed lightly. "I...think I know what he wants."

"You mean you weren't just whispering sweet nothings to him?" Jack asked, fluttering his fingers.

Daniel crossed his arms, his mouth twisting tight. "More sarcasm. Yes, that's what this situation needed."

Jack stabbed his hand at the hairy mass slumped in front of him. "I have a moose in my bedroom," he said with what he thought was admirable patience. "Not to mention clammy sheets."

Shaking his head, Daniel put a hand on the moose's shoulder. "I'll buy you a new set of sheets, Jack. He just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

"What?"

"I wasn't whispering 'sweet nothings,' thank you. I was, well, playing twenty questions. Sort of." Daniel frowned. "I think I managed to pin it down in twelve."

"Oh, well, good for you." Jack glanced at the moose, who was now loitering as far into the corner as he could get, then looked back at Daniel. "I'm not going to ask how he knew."

"Oh, no, that's something we can figure out tomorrow," Daniel assured him.

"You bet your ass it'll be tomorrow," Jack promised. Keeping his eyes on the moose, Jack puffed up his cheeks, trying to think of another option. There really wasn't one. He blew out the air.

"Thank you, big guy," he said. "It means a lot to me that you made the effort to stop by. Whole heaps."

The moose's head came up and, after a long considering look, he bobbed his head and disappeared with a pop.

Amazed, Jack stared at the mooseless corner. "That was it?"

"Uh..." Daniel turned in a slow circle, like he wasn't sure that the moose hadn't shrunk or anything. "I guess so."

The room looked a whole hell of a lot bigger than it ever had before, Jack thought. "He'll still show up at the SGC tomorrow?"

"Hm?" A thinking-frown between his eyebrows, Daniel started back across the room. "Oh, yes, he seemed to get that part, he just didn't want to go yet," he said, settling on the bed next to Jack. "Should we, you, call Hammond? Let him know to expect another visit?"

"Nah." Jack dropped both hands into the pillow in his lap and froze, even that slight pressure highlighting something that hadn't gone away. Well, he thought.

"Uh, no, we'll be there," he said, casually gripping the pillow again. "Might was well let him, and Walter, have a night of thinking they don't need to worry about the moose any more."

Daniel turned to face him, pulling one leg up onto the bed and pressing warm against Jack's thigh. "Okay." He reached out and scrubbed at the still-damp patch of hair on Jack's head. "Happy birthday," he said with a wry smile.

Giving in, Jack sighed and leaned into the touch. "Normal went out the window the moment I saw the stargate. I knew this."

"You wouldn't know what to do with normal." Daniel slid his hand down Jack's spine to rest at the small of his back and brought their foreheads together. "It's not a normal state."

"No. But it was nice to be there for a bit, earlier," Jack said.

"Yes it was," Daniel agreed. "You want to go get those cookies now?"

An idea forming at the pressure against his head and his crotch, Jack let go of the pillow with one hand to cup Daniel's face. "I dunno, I don't really want cookies, any more." His hand tightened, keeping Daniel from pulling back with questions. Summoning up the darkest, dirtiest voice he could, Jack suggested, "It's been long enough that, if you feel like coming up with some more of that Swedish, I'm pretty sure I can make you forget about whatever's left of that wet spot."

Daniel let out a skeptical laugh. "Really?"

"Hey," Jack protested. "You know what that does..." "With Hammond on the phone?"

Jack lifted up the pillow. And it turned out that he didn't have to say anything.

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