TITLE: Housewarming
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
RATING: PG-13
POSTED: July 28, 2004
SUMMARY: Jack brings some American know-how. And beer.
NOTES: After 8.3, Barkley wrote: And Teal'c's moving out. You know that Jack will help him move in, and Teal'c will provide the standard moving fare of pizza and beer, and then Jack will have too much to drink and have to stay over. And then they're going to drunkenly try to put a bookcase together, but then they fall over. I giggled. She refused to write it. I'm not sure what happened from there. I also have no idea if anyone ever said that the reason Teal'c didn't drink was because of the symbiote, but that's what I'm going with. I didn't follow Barkley's idea directly, but she's most definitely the root cause for the unbeta'd ridiculousness below.
DISCLAIMER: Read
"You've got to, T. It's a momentous occasion: the first apartment." Jack placed the bottle on the floor next to Teal'c with a clunk that was strangely muffled even though the room was only filled with them, the pieces of cherry-stained bookshelf stacked precisely in front of them, and the beer. "Besides, junior's been gone for a while and the doc didn't say anything about alcohol making the tretonin go wonky, did she?"
"She did not." Teal'c tilted his head and considered the bottle. He didn't pick it up. "I also did not ask."
Jack sighed and sank down in a crouch, resting his own bottle on top of the nearest stack. "She would have--" He ran his index finger in a full circle around the wet mouth of the bottle and then continued. "She would have wanted to warn you about anything that would harm you."
Acknowledging that almost-stumble with nothing more than a nod, Teal'c reached out and removed the sweating bottle Jack's grasp. The glass scraped along the plank before Teal'c placed the beer on top of the pages of instructions laid out on the floor beside him.
Jack's lips quirked up. "It's pressboard, Teal'c. It's not going to warp."
Teal'c relocated the other bottle, leaving nothing directly on the hardwood floor but three tidy piles of screws. "I wish to use the bookcase before I put any markings on it, O'Neill."
Shaking his head, Jack levered himself back up to his feet. "Tell you what, I'm going to go get a box from the hall to use as the world's largest coaster."
"That should serve," Teal'c agreed.
**
Jack paid for the pizza because this was his housewarming present, wasn't it? He might not have been able to escape the mountain-worth of paperwork in time to do more than watch the last of Teal'c's nine boxes be hauled in yesterday -- and to sneer at Daniel's narrow-eyed "nice timing" comment -- but he was here to help make this apartment into a home now, and he was supplying the food and beverages, dammit.
Teal'c gave in. Eventually. But Jack was sure from the eyebrow that stayed raised for some time after the pizza guy retreated to his car, shoulders hunched protectively, that there was a plot being hatched in that head. He'd better not find a pie on his desk tomorrow morning. Although at least he was reasonably sure it wouldn't be on his chair.
Having snatched and balled up the instructions while Teal'c was finding the paper towels, Jack sat cross-legged on the floor with a cooling slice in one hand and a screw in the other.
"These are probably the ones that hold the shelves in," he said, comparing the screw in his hand to the longer and noticeably stronger ones still on the floor.
Teal'c walked back in holding a roll with what looked like butterflies forming a decorative border. His eyes locked the space where the instructions had been and he frowned. "Would it not be easier to--?"
"Nah-uh." Jack shook the short screw at Teal'c and his colorful paper goods. "It's another rite of passage. A test. If we can't manage to put together some planks of fake wood into something resembling a box...we'll never tell anyone. And I'll go find the instructions. The wind can't have carried them too far out of the parking lot."
Teal'c's mouth set, firm and a teensy bit annoyed. Jack widened his eyes innocently. With a sigh, Teal'c sat and separated another slice from the pizza.
**
There were five empty bottles lined up on the box that was labeled "BOOKS." (Jack had peeked. None of them looked like they were Daniel-type books, but the top layer wasn't novels, either.) The standing light in the corner made the bottles glow a nice warm amber color, almost like a wall of stained glass, which it was, sort of. It also highlighted the random faded rings decorating the box's top where the bottles had rested too long before Teal'c made Jack move them because they were soaking through the cardboard.
"There's another six-pack in the fridge," Jack observed.
Taking his attention off the two pieces that were not at anything resembling a right angle, Teal'c glanced at the kitchen. "Indeed?"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Indeed. Come on, try the last one in this set. It's a hard beer to find, and I found it extra-special for you and your apartment. Why am I drinking all of it? And besides, we've both agreed that it's not likely to kill you."
Amusement lightened Teal'c's expression. "Very well."
"Really?" Jack sat up straight and his head spun slightly, sending surprise for a wobbly ride. "Huh." Maybe they should have gotten two pizzas. He didn't need to be on base first thing, but being in charge meant being there. Negotiating with Daniel for a 10 a.m. start no longer seemed like enough of a buffer.
As he placed the screwdriver on the floor, making sure it was aligned with the shelf that it was supposed to be attaching to that long side piece, Jack heard the faint hiss-pop of a cap coming off from the kitchen. Hell, Teal'c was probably just humoring him. He'd hand over the beer as soon as he--
The hand bracing Jack skidded on the hardwood when Teal'c walked back in tipping the bottle to his mouth for a deep taste. Blinking, Jack asked, "So?"
Teal'c lowered the bottle, his head tilting a bit as he swallowed, considering. "It is quite sharp." His gaze went to the drink. "But not unpleasant."
"No tummy rumblings?"
A confused frown moved across Teal'c's face.
"The ghost of junior past isn't acting up?" Jack expanded.
The lines in Teal'c's face shifted as surprise took over. "No."
"Well, that's good."
After a pause, "Yes."
Now it was Jack's turn to frown. "You don't have to sound so disappointed."
"I am not disappointed, O'Neill." Teal'c gave Jack a look that was definitely annoyed, then tipped the bottle back and brought the beer down to the halfway point with two large swallows.
Jack smirked and turned back to the shelves.
**
Slow as molasses, or the good kind of ketchup, the voice said, "It is almost midnight, O'Neill."
Jack brought his arm up over his head and then bent it, so his wrist would actually be over his face. Then he had to turn his arm, so his watch face would be facing his face. He took a deep breath and squinted at the little numbers. "Yep," he said, and let his arm flop back to his side. It kind of hurt when it hit the wood. It made a neat click noise, though. He started to pull his arm up off the floor again when Teal'c interrupted.
"It is a good thing you cannot find your keys."
Giving up on the arm, Jack rolled his head to the left to bring Teal'c into view, lying on his side next to Jack. He wasn't really in focus, even when Jack squinted again. "Yep."
"I believe..." the Teal'c-shape nodded, "...I will finish the bookshelf later."
The wood sounded hollow against his skull as Jack rolled his head back and forth and back and forth and back and-- "Nooo. You can't leave a job half-finished like that." He forced his arm up again and grabbed his head, making it stop. "Bad luck."
No response, not even a question, but that was okay. The ceiling was a nice not-quite-white. And Teal'c had a fixture. That was good. Jack noticed then that it was so quiet he could hear the hum-and-hiccup of the refrigerator. "We need to get you a TV," he decided.
"I will need a DVD player, as well."
Jack's head fell to the left again and he grinned at Teal'c. "Been thinkin' about this, huh?" He chuckled. "We'll...we'll take up a collection." He started laughing. "'Keep Your Planet S-safe: Keep the, Keep the Jaffa Amused.'"
Teal'c made a noise.
Jack choked, and shoved and bumped his elbow and got himself upright so he could look down at the mess of stuff on the floor and the big lump of Jaffa in the middle of it. "Was that a giggle?"
When he squinted this time, Jack could make out the sloppy grin on Teal'c's face. He pointed at it. "You're sloshed!"
Laughter rumbled out of Teal'c and Jack shook his head, trying to clear it out a bit. Then he checked out the empties grouped on top of the box. "How many d'you have, anyway?" He tried to count how many were up there, but gave up after the fourth fell over. He was pretty sure he'd had at least three after there was only one left, just to keep Teal'c company, which meant out of six, no, seven...ah, screw it.
Teal'c had subsided into little shakes and snickers at that point, and Jack snorted. "Lightweight."
It took a bit of work, but Jack got all of the many bunches of bottles off the box and onto the floor so he could pull the box open again and fish out a couple of good, thick paperbacks. Leaning over, he urged Teal'c to "raise up a little, buddy, yeah, that's enough" and slid one under Teal'c's head. After one last look at the twisted structure that didn't look like a box, a bookshelf, or anything else useful, really, Jack put the other book on the floor and scooted down until he could lie back flat and not have nothing but hair between him and the wood.
Before oblivion closed in, Jack gave himself a firm order to wake up as soon as the sun did. And sent up a prayer for Carter to have really slipped a fully-stocked first aid kit into one of Teal'c's boxes.
##
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