TITLE: Downtime Discoveries
E-MAIL: eli @ popullus.net
POSTED: April 4, 2004
SUMMARY: Jack teaches Daniel a little something about the American culture.
NOTES: Complete ridiculousness. Katie M. knows from whence it came. I wanted out of my head so bad that it's dialogue only, but at least it's not My Little Pony.
DISCLAIMER: Read. There's a reason you're never going to see this appear on any television screen.



"What's this?"

"You mean the thing that I would have a better chance of naming if you were to describe it instead of pointing at it in another room?"

"Yes. That. But I-I wouldn't even know how to begin to describe this."

"Well, that's a first."

"Seriously, Jack."

"Okay, okay. Is it moving?"


"Can it wait until I dry my hands, Daniel?"

"Sure. In fact, yes, dry your hands."

"Because dry hands make everything so much clearer."

"What did you say?"

"Never mind! Situation normal, talking to myself."

"Are you delaying?"

"Now why would I delay? You've got me curious."

"Oh, no reason."

"Look, if it tries to get away, step on it."

"Just get out here."

"Laugh, Daniel. It's good for the soul."


"I've heard better from snakes."


"Okay, shut up and show me this great confounding mystery thing."

"'Thing.' Yes, 'thing' is about what I was thinking."

"...What are you doing on my computer?"

"Well, I was trying to check my e-mail. They're supposed to be sending me the results from the--"

"--thingamabob from P4-whateverthehell, yes."

"It's not a--"


"Fine. So long as you remember this little handwave the next time I don't give a crap about the difference between a F-14 and a B-25."

"Fifty-two, Daniel. They're not even the same type of aircraft."

"I got one of them right, didn't I?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. Just about the only thing they have in common is that they both fly!"

"Also that I'm never going to be the one behind the wheel on either of them. And now you really are delaying."


"What. Is. This?"

"A story."

"I got that much. And?"

"Just how does checking e-mail lead to opening folders that have nothing to do with e-mail, anyway?"

"Your connection is atrocious. I was bored. Answer the question, Jack."

"It's The Simpsons."

"That, too, is obvious."

"So what's the confusion, then?"

"Jack, don't make me say it."

"Say what?"

"They're...it's...Lisa. And Nelson."

"Hey, the next generation of Simpsons has to come from somewhere."

"No it doesn't!"

"Don't you point fingers at me, Mr. 'I Didn't Think It Was Important To Mention It Was A Fertility Rite.' I didn't go looking for it!"

"You saved it."


"We're looking right at it!"

"I couldn't believe my eyes?"

"There are at least four more files that I've been afraid to open."

"I was documenting a subculture in the American literary world?"

"Nice try."

"So, did you actually read it, or were you just poking around?"

"I wasn't poking around."

"That file you've got up there? I didn't save it in some random folder that you'd happen upon while wandering."

"Okay, there might have been a little poking."


"And I might have read some of it."


"Just the first page!"

"Well, that explains it."


"The good stuff isn't until page ten. Keep going."

"If this comes to a point where I want to kill myself, I'm taking you with me."

"Just scroll. I'll be right back."

"What are you--?"


"...Oh, dear god. Jack, get back in here! This is ridiculous. And more than a little terrifying."

"Keep going! You're not there yet."

"Do you have this thing memorized?"

"Naw, but it's pretty hard to forget my own reactions."

"You are a sick and twisted man."

"Yep. But you'll understand this particular illness in a second."

"The fact that you even read this f--"

"Yep. Right there."


"Doesn't matter that it's The Simpsons now, does it?"

"Ew. Yes it does, actually, so stop reminding me. In fact, shut up."

"Why, Daniel, I nev-- Idvmdfnd."

"Mmm. Care to repeat that?"

"Well, hell. If I'd know you would react like this, I would've made it easier for you to find."


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